


It Hurts my Hands to Hold the Rope

by salem (guccisuit)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Flashbacks, Harry-centric, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, References to Addiction, References to Depression, Those are all very minor and not completely through the fic but I needed to tag them for you, break up fic, flangsty af, with a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-15 23:24:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 35,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10559450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/guccisuit/pseuds/salem
Summary: Harry Styles is a very popular photographer living and working from London, UK in the year 2021. Other than his Labradoodle and Great Dane and those who force their way into his shell, he keeps himself too busy for friends or lovers. He's hardened, shut off a bit because of a past relationship that just can't seem to disappear from his life.Liam Payne is a very popular musician based in Los Angeles. He's been through a lot and had to do it all alone while in the public eye. He writes mostly about his ex-love, speaks candidly about his struggles and sexuality and is currently ending his world tour for his second album in London, desperate to run into a familiar face.Or in which Harry and Liam met when they were sixteen and dated for six years until Liam left Harry and their life in London to try and make it in the music business. It's nearly five years later and Liam's sort of stalking Harry but in the least weird way. Harry's over Liam and wishes he'd stay out of his life. Niall's Switzerland and Louis is loyal. Nouis own a pub and have families of their own. Harry owns two big dogs and his own photo studio. Liam just wants his old mates back.





	

**Author's Note:**

> title from the song sink by brand new.  
> "I don't want to let you go / but it hurts my hands to hold the rope"
> 
> thank you to everyone that's been through this with me.  
> [my support](http://www.lirryonce.tumblr.com)  
> [my other support](http://www.yvessaintlirry.tumblr.com)  
> [my artist](http://www.stylespayne.tumblr.com)  
> and [my beta](http://www.sunshineflying.tumblr.com)
> 
> cheers. xx

_**may, 2015** _

_“It’s all ours, Haz.” Liam laughs and it’s warm, consuming Harry’s entire body and soul. “We did it.” He presses a kiss to Harry’s shoulder, wrapping his arms around Harry’s waist from behind as they look into their new flat from the front door._

_It’s not much but they worked so hard to get here. Three years at uni spent working their asses off and saving every pound so they could make the move to London once they were finished._

_“After all our work, all the stress. We have a flat in London.” Liam laughs gently against Harry’s skin. “Couldn’t have done it without you, H.”_

_“Wouldn’t have wanted to, Li.” Harry leans back into Liam’s chest, closing his eyes as they sway together._

***

Harry rubs his hand over his face as he unlocks his phone and finds his mail app. He hasn't checked his email in two days and it's probably irresponsible and unprofessional but Harry’s been so tired and overworked that he just hasn't been able to make himself do it. He clicks it open now though, logging into his business email as he crosses his flat to feed the dogs. There’s only 40 unread messages which makes him sigh with relief as he opens the most recent.

**To: harrystyles_shoots@gmail.com**  
**From: elizabethpascal@sonyusa.com**

_Hello and Good Morning, Mr. Styles._  
_Saturday, January 9th we have an artist performing at the O2 in London, England and due to an unfortunate turn of events, our photographer will not be able to join us that night. You have been recommended to us by many people in the business and we would like to extend an offer to you for shooting the show. Please see details in attachment and respond as soon as possible._  
_Regards,_  
_Elizabeth Pascal_

Harry furrows his brows at the vague message, clicking the “open attachment” link and waiting for it to load as he scoops out enough dog food to fill two bowls and grabs a granola bar for himself that he almost chokes on when he finally sees how much money he was being offered for this job. Harry frees both of his hands by holding the granola in his mouth, hurriedly typing out an acceptance response and hitting send. 

“Holy shit.” He mumbles, lowering the dogs’ bowls to the ground as they wander into the kitchen. “Loki, Mick.” Harry kneels, getting kisses from each in return. “You guys don’t even know how many bones I’ll be able to buy you after next week. Why stop there? Could treat you to a lifetime supply of treats if you’ve behave proper for the rest of the week.” He laughs, giving each of them a good head scratch before grabbing his keys and heading downstairs to the studio. 

You couldn’t have told Harry the success he was going to have in life when he chose to focus on photography in uni. You couldn’t have explained that he was going to get a chance to work New York and Paris Fashion week before he even graduated and have his work blast off from there. He wouldn’t have believed you, he’d probably think you were crazy, but as he descends the last step that leads to his studio’s entrance Harry takes a moment to really appreciate everything that he’s worked for. 

He’s worked for this studio that illuminates section by section as Harry flips all of the light switches, he’s worked for the simple flat above it. He’s worked for all of his features in various world wide magazines, he’s worked for his money and his notoriety. He’s put his entire heart and soul into working the last five years. Harry’s worked his ass off for everything he has and he doesn’t plan on stopping anytime soon, no matter how overworked he may be feeling.

“What’s on the schedule today,” He sighs, lowering into his desk chair and waking his iMac up. Harry taps on his desk, blowing air through pursed lips as he reads over his itinerary for the next week.

Today; work on Vogue editing, pub with the lads 7 pm  
Tuesday; headshots 5pm,  
Wednesday; vet appt 11:30 am, therapy 3 pm  
Thursday; Vogue deadline, dinner with Mum 9 pm  
Friday; take a nap

He sighs again, leaning back in his chair. Not too bad, not too hectic. He takes the time to type in O2, 6 pm for January 9th before clicking photos to open in Adobe Raw and getting to work.

***

__  
**june, 2015**  


_Liam climbs into his lap, closing Harry’s laptop and sitting it to the side._

_“Li,” Harry laughs softly, his arms already draping themselves around Liam’s neck. “I’m working..”_

_“You’re always working.” Liam presses a gentle kiss to Harry’s lips, pouting when he pulls back._

_“You work just as much.” Harry chases Liam’s lips, pressing a few more kisses against them until his pout turns to a smile._

_“Yeah, but, it’s break time innit?” Liam hum against Harry’s lips, opening his mouth just a little to let Harry’s tongue tease his._

_“Sing me the song you’ve been working on?” Harry asks after pulling away from the kiss, his nose nudging Liam’s gently. “Been dying to hear it.”_

_“Tha’s only because you know it’s about you.” Liam laughs softly, already standing up to grab his guitar._

_“No, because you’re working on cutting a demo and this song could be the one.” Liam rolls his eyes and Harry laughs, “And because it’s definitely about me.”_

_Liam drops back onto the bed, checking his guitar even though he knows it’s in tune. He clears his voice, strumming a few chords before singing. “I got a heart, and I got a soul. Believe me I will use them both. We made a start, be it a false one, I know, baby, I don’t want to feel alone.”_

_Harry hums along with the guitar, leaning back on the bed and curling up near Liam._

_With a smile, Liam keeps singing, “So kiss me where I lay down, my hands pressed to your cheeks-” He stops playing the guitar to reach over and squish Harry’s cheeks with one of his hands, laughing softly as he continues “A long way from the playground… I have loved you since we were eighteen…”_

***

“Oi, sorry I’m late, loves.” Harry smiles as he pulls Niall into a hug, then Louis, then he takes a seat across from them and glances down at the menu even though he knows what he’s ordering already. “I was working on the Vogue editing. I wanted to get it all done today so I didn’t have to stretch it through the next few days until the deadline.”

Louis smiles brightly, his teeth on full show. “And? Did y’get it done?” 

“Of course he did.” Niall answers for Harry and Harry lets him because it’s true. “Went and over worked himself, didn’t he?” That part’s probably true too.

“I did finish, I didn’t over work myself. I just have dinner with Mum this week and I didn’t want t’be thinking about all the photos I needed to finish editing and send in.” Harry sighs happily, dropping the menu back to the table so the waitress could know he was ready to order whenever she got a chance to come by the table. 

“Anne’s coming to London?” Louis quirks his eyebrow, taking a sip of the beer he’s nursing. “How has she been? Feel like it’s been ages since I’ve talked to her last.”

“She’s alright, mate. Just doing whatever it is that moms do when their kids are grown up with lives of their own.” Harry sighs again, tapping his knuckles against the table as his mind drifts into it’s own world for a moment. “Oh, shit. Speaking of not visiting. How’re the kids? It’s been so long since I’ve gotten to drop by either of your places to see them. Hell, this is the first time I’ve even seen you guys in what? Three weeks?”

“Two months,” Niall corrects with a shrug and a smile, “but tha’s alrigh’, we hold no animosity-”

“Speak for yourself, he missed Christmas.” Louis chimes, earning a gentle slap on the arm from Niall who laughs and continues his thought.

“Libby’s doing well, though. She’s too smart for her own good. She star’s primary in t’fall, it’s insane. Too big, too smart, too much like her uncle.” Niall jabs a thumb in Louis’ direction, smiling the entire time so no one in the world could think that he could even begin to say something negative about Louis.

“And Freddie’s incredible. It’s brilliant having custody. It makes all the court dates worth it.” 

The waitress comes at that point, jots down Harry’s order and promises to be back with new pints for the whole table. 

“God, I’ll have to come see her soon, yeah? Freddie too. We need to have a big thing. Maybe a day with Uncle Haz and the pups, soon.” 

“Pups.” Louis laughs, “Harry your dogs are each six years old, hardly pups mate.” 

“They’re pups as long as I say they are, alrigh’?” Harry laughs, Louis joins and it’s the first time that Harry’s really felt relaxed in a month. He spends so much of his time secluded, locked away in his studio either working on a shoot or editing a shoot or planning a shoot or just straight up ignoring the rest of the world to get something done, to keep his mind focused on something. Sometimes he forgets that some time out with his mates is a perfect remedy too.

“Think it’s a great idea for them t’hang out with you, Harry. Maybe you could have them this weekend?” Louis looks from Harry to Niall, raising his eyebrows like he’s prompting Niall to say something.

“Oh, yeah. To’ally. You should to’ally get them t’is weekend. Saturday, maybe? I think I could use a si’er on Saturday.” Niall shoves a chip in his mouth, not bothering to wait until he’s finished chewing to keep talking. “And doesn’t Eleanor have something on Saturday you have to be dragged off to?” Louis nods, pointing at Niall like he’s only just reminded Louis. “So how ‘bout it, mate?”

Harry smiles as the waitress interrupts, sitting down three new pints followed by the food Harry ordered, then turns his attention back to Louis and Niall.

“I have a big job on Saturday, actually. Maybe Sunday? We could do a Sunday dinner at my flat. Like all of us, maybe.”

Niall nods, look at Louis like he’s trying to communicate without Harry knowing what’s going on. It’s all very frustrating, causing Harry’s eyebrows to furrow as he glares at his two friends.

“We can talk more about it later, yeah?” Louis finally replies before taking a long sip of beer. “For now, I want t’hear about the Vogue shoot.”

And just like that, Harry’s face softens again as he starts an endless tale about work.

***

__  
**september, 2015**  


_”How else will you remember our first kiss?” Liam asks with a soft laugh, a tattoo gun held tightly in his hands. He keeps turning it on, making it buzz as he straddles Harry’s hips, just so the noise fills the room._

_“I don’t think I’m going to ever forget our first kiss. It was five years ago and I still remember it perfectly.” Harry chuckles, pulling his shirt up and over his head because he’s found that he’ll go through with anything so long as it’s Liam asking him to do it. That includes letting Liam use a tattoo gun he bought off Amazon to scribble a few words into Harry’s skin._

_“Then what about the first time we had sex?” Liam sits the gun down on the bedside table and leans over Harry, holding himself up with hands placed on either side of Harry’s head. “Do you remember that night too?”_

_Harry nods, squirming a bit under Liam’s body, his fingers immediately going to toy with the waistband of Liam’s jeans. “Yeah, just like it was yesterday.”_

_Liam leans down for a kiss, “Tell me.” He whispers just before pressing his lips to Harry’s. Then his lips find Harry’s jaw and trail kisses all the way down his neck and to his chest._

_“You were there, Li.” Harry’s breath hitches. “Doing this-” Harry blows out a sigh as Liam’s lips press against his navel, traveling from there across his hipbones. “-exact thing.”_

_“Yeah,” Liam breathes out a laugh, his tongue pressing against Harry’s hipbone before his lips chase it with kisses. “I remember.”_

_“I remember being so nervous.” Harry laughs softly, his hands finding Liam’s hair and tangling in it. “You were my first, I was only sixteen. It was terrible.”_

_“Hey, it was mine too.” Liam sucks a mark on Harry’s hip, nudging his nose against the sensitive skin afterwards. “I asked if you wanted to keep going.”_

_“And I said might as well…” Harry hums gently as he recounts the statement that’s found its way into so many moments of his and Liam’s relationship. Their first kiss, their first time, when Liam asked him out, the decision to move in with each other. It found its way into simpler moments as well: decisions on where to eat, what shows they should watch, if they should invite the lads over for a movie night. It became something that was just theirs, and Harry liked that._

_“And I said it back.” Liam laughs, kissing his way back up Harry’s body until their lips could meet again. “So what do you say? Can I tattoo it on you?” Liam presses his thumb into the bruise he just left on Harry’s hip. “Right there.”_

_Harry squirms again, having to bite back a slight moan threatening to escape. “Might as well.” He mumbles, his eyes bouncing around Liam’s face._

_“Might as well.” Liam replies._

***

He’s in the shower when his phone starts ringing, like proper in the shower with shampoo suds all over his hands while he works it through his hair, so he ignores it.

Then it stops ringing and starts again immediately. Then it happens again and by the fourth time the phone starts ringing, Harry’s trying to stumble out of his shower without falling on his ass. 

“Hullo?” He answers, his voice still thick from the early morning hours.

“Harry? Hey, it’s Niall. We really gotta talk abou’ somethin’, mate.”

“Ni, it’s not really a great time. I literally got out of the shower for this, I have to get the dogs to the vet. I have to finish getting ready and walk them before we head out.”

“I’m comin’ by later then.” Niall’s determination makes Harry wonder what this could all be about, his eyebrows furrowing together as he sighs.

“Yeah, Ni. That’s alright. I have therapy after the vet appointment but I should be done by 4:30? I’ll see you then, love, I’ve got to go.” Harry pulls his phone away from his ear, his thumb nearing the end call button before he raises it again, speaking in a haste incase Niall was about to hang up too. “Wait, wait. Alright, I don’t have the patience today… What’s this all about? You’ve been actin’ weird all week.”

Niall sighs on the other line, taking his time in responding. “Where’re you meant t’be working on Saturday, Harry?”

“The O2, I told you and Lou-”

“Y’ never said where, but i though’ tha’s where it migh’ be.”

Harry laughs nervously, running his free hand through his wet hair. “It’s just a job, is this because I can’t watch Libs?”

“No, no. Tha’s alrigh’. Lou’s sister’s gonna come get her… Anyway, mate, do y’know whose show you’re shootin’?”

Harry shrugs, realizing too late that Niall can’t see him. “No, the email was super vague. Just said something about their team photographer wouldn’t be able to be there because of an unfortunate turn of events or some shit.” 

“Thought so.” Niall falls quiet, only a few audible sighs can be heard for several moments.

“Niall?” Harry asks because quite frankly, he’s not sure if his friend’s even still on the line.

“It’s Liam, Haz. It’s Liam’s show. He’s playing the O2 on Saturday.”

An hour must past. That’s what it feels like but then he can hear Niall sigh on the phone again. Just barely but it’s still there and Harry realizes he's standing in his bathroom naked and not falling through time and space to an inevitable crash.

“Haz?” Niall sounds like the phone’s three miles away even though Harry can feel it firmly pressed against his ear.

“I gotta go, Niall.” Harry manages to force out, his voice seeming collected and cool. “I’ll call you later.” 

It’s a little crazy, the way that Harry’s entire world shifts and feels like it’s crumbling all around him. There’s no air in the room. None at all. All oxygen is gone and Harry takes a few steps back, pressing his body against the wall for support because suddenly it feels like all of the strength he had was drained from him in a matter of seconds. 

It's been so long since Harry had seen Liam Payne. Since he heard Liam’s voice in any way, since he last felt like he could say he knew the singer. 

Harry’s phone buzzes where he's still holding it against his ear and it takes a moment but he manages to pull it away and read the text. 

**To: Harry  
** From: Louis Tomlinson  
h, hope yr okay? text me if you need to talk. we should have told you as soon as we found out. 

Harry clutches his phone if only to keep himself from throwing it across the room.

***

__  
**february, 2016**  


_”How long are you gonna be gone, again?” Harry sighs, dropping into a pile of Liam’s clothes that lay strung out across their bed. He revels in it, wrapping himself around the pieces closest to him. They smell like Liam and Harry never wants to forget what that smells like._

_“Think just a few months? I won't know until we’re working, honestly.” Liam shrugs, folding a pair of Harry’s favorite sweats and stuffing them in his bag. Then he looks down, studies his clothes for a moment, pulls the pants back out and crosses to the dresser to leave them for his boyfriend. “Just long enough to record the album, babe.”_

_“LA’s a long way away from here, Li.”_

_“Won’t even notice I'm gone, you'll be so busy working. You'll come home and think ‘I'm glad that waster’s not longing on the couch all day again.’” Liam tries to offer Harry a smile but Harry won't take it. Doesn't want it._

_“Your optimism makes me feel like you won't miss being home.” Harry pouts. Maybe it's childish but he's been dreading this week for a month now. He barely had any time to prepare for Liam to get a deal to record in America, for Liam to leave their home and him back in London. “Just wish I could be going too.”_

_Liam frowns, moving his suitcase to the side so he can crawl across the bed and wrap Harry up in his arms. “Of course I’m gonna miss bein’ home, Haz. Gonna miss my baby so much.” Liam presses a soft kiss to Harry’s lips. “Gonna miss the flat and the pups and London but this is a really good opportunity, you know?”_

_Harry nods, burying his face in the crook of Liam’s neck. Of course he knows this is a good opportunity. This is an insanely amazing opportunity and Harry can never express how proud he is of Liam for taking the step to really push for his music career. It was inspiring._

_Liam rubs Harry’s back gently, squeezing him closer and tighter than before. “I wish you could come, too, but you’ve got big things happening here, yeah? Mr. I have a spread for Dazed and Confused’s next issue. Gonna be some famous photographer wit’ hot models while ‘m out slaving away in a cramped studio in Los Angeles having no fun and missin’ my boy.”_

_Harry lets out a soft laugh and shakes his head. “You’re my favorite model, Li.”_

_“It’s the chiseled abs.”_

_Harry laughs again._

_“Or the strong jaw.” Liam continues._

_Harry rolls his eyes, but nods anyway._

_“The big, moody eyebrows.”_

_“All of that and more.” Harry confirms, pressing his lips gently against the skin on Liam’s neck. “Gonna miss you so much.” He sighs. “I know I just keep saying that but I’m going to bloody miss you, Liam. I don’t know how I’m going to manage without you around.”_

_Liam sighs, running his fingertips down Harry’s spine. “Well, first off we’re going to facetime every day. At least once a day but I’m hoping for more. I’ll obviously have to get your opinion on new songs…”_

_“Will you still write about me?” Harry asks softly, his fingers clutching the fabric of Liam’s shirt as he clings to him in their bed._

_“Don’t think I’ll ever write about someone else, Haz.”_

***

He has to leave. He has to get out of London. He has to find somewhere to go. He’ll go home, back to Manchester and crash on his mom’s couch. She’ll understand, he’s certain of it. So certain that he grabs his suitcase and starts shoving clothes into it before the call even starts to ring.

“Hi baby, everything alright? You don’t usually call this early.” His mom’s voice sounds sweet, warm and comforting like it always has and in this moment it’s almost enough to break Harry’s heart.

“Not quite, mum. Think I’m gonna come visit, is that okay?”

His mother hums, Harry can picture her nodding before she confirms with “Of course, Harry. I always love seeing you. Do you want to talk about what’s wrong?”

“Maybe later. Gonna gather some stuff up. Think I’ll shoot a bit up there, too. Old stomping grounds.” He doesn’t want to talk to her about it. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone about anything but especially not the fact that his ex boyfriend of five years that he hasn’t seen since 2016 was going to be in the same city as him for the first time since he left Harry all those years ago. 

“Okay…” She sounds concerned, like she wants to push Harry for answers but knows better than to do so. “Are you bringing the dogs? We have plenty of room! It’ll be so nice having you lot visiting. Should I phone Gemma? Since I was supposed to come down to London tomorrow, maybe I can just have you both come here.”

Harry squeezes his eyes shut. That’s just one more person asking him questions about what’s going on. About what he’s running from. But it’s his sister, and if he could talk to anyone about this it’d be her. “Yeah, Mum. That’d be great. I’ve got to get off of here and call someone else but I’ll catch the last train up. It’ll be a few hours longer but I’ll get there soon enough.” Harry breathes out slowly. Opening his eyes to look at what he’s already shoved into his bag. It’s not much but he’s not sure how long he’ll be, how long he’ll have to hide. “I’ll see you, love you.” He clicks off, moving to his wardrobe and grabbing an armful of jumpers, then a fist full of boxers, then he chucks in his three favorite pairs of jeans then moves to the bathroom to start gathering the necessities as he phones his therapist to reschedule.

***

__  
**april, 2016**  


_”Did you deactivate your twitter?” Harry sighs, scrolling through his timeline as he talks towards his computer where Liam’s sitting happy in the screen and tuning a guitar._

_“Uh, yeah. With the single about to hit the radio in a couple weeks, management thought it’d be a good idea to start over with social media. You know how people are now, they’d probably go back to 2010 to find me being stupid about something.”_

_“They wouldn’t have to go back that far, mate.” Harry laughs softly, imagining how Liam would have hit him with a pillow if he was at home instead of halfway across the world. “Well have you made a new one yet? What is it, let me follow.”_

_“Think it’s like,” Liam pauses for a moment and Harry glances at the screen in time to see Liam scrolling through his own phone. “Real underscore Liam underscore Payne.” He finishes._

_“Think I liked Liam underscore J Payne better. This one’s a lot.”_

_Liam laughs, “It’s a pretty common name, I guess. Nothing special about me.”_

_“Oh, shut up.” Harry laughs softly. “Everything about you is special, Liam.”_

_Liam strums a few notes on the guitar as Harry goes to Liam’s new twitter page and hits follow. “Niall and Louis followed you already? How come they knew first?” Harry can’t help the pout in his voice. He’s Liam’s boyfriend. He should have known about this long before anyone else._

_“Oh, I was just on the phone with Lou when I was getting it all sorted out the other day. No big deal, I wasn’t like- hiding it or anything, Harry.” Liam lets out a laugh as he strums a few more strings._

_Harry nods. “No, yeah. I- I didn’t think you were. It’s just strange, you know? You having to make a new Twitter and stuff. I don’t know if I’m ready for you to be some sensation in America.”_

_“Barely a sensation. Barely on the radio.” Liam shakes his head, strumming the chorus to the new song he’s been working on all week while he talks. Harry hasn’t heard any of the words yet but the way the guitar sounds is dreamy._

_“Are you going to let me hear what you’re working on properly? I know you have the lyrics and you’re keeping them from me. Unfair a bit if you ask me.”_

_“You hear all of the songs I work on, Harry. How am I ever meant to surprise you with a song if you demand to hear them in full before I’ve even finished?”_

_“Name five songs I’ve done that to.” Harry laughs, immediately naming a few in his own head. Then laughing as Liam pauses his guitar playing to name off his own._

_“Right now, Strong, You & I…” _

_“That’s three.”_

_“Shut up, Harry.”_

_Harry laughs again, leaning back on the bed and burrowing into the pillows that surround him. It feels strange, being in this bed as he can hear Liam’s voice but can’t feel his touch. Can’t find his warmth anywhere. Can barely sense his scent. It’s only been a few months since Liam’s left but everything’s already changed so much and Harry wonders how much more will change in the months to come._

_“What single’s going to be on the radio? You haven’t even told me that. Give me something, Li.” Harry looks at the computer in time to see Liam roll his eyes._

_“It’s called Half a Heart-” Liam sighs, his wide smiling giving away his feigned annoyance. “And before you ask, yes. It’s about you, you idiot.”_

_“Mmm, can’t wait then.” Harry laughs softly and closes his eyes, throwing his arm over his face. “Sing me a song, Liam. I’m so tired. Miss having you here, can hardly sleep without you.”_

_Liam does as he’s asked, starts strumming a slow song. It’s one that Harry’s known for years, one of the first songs Liam ever played for him. “… baby I, I wanna know…” Liam starts and it makes Harry smile because it takes him back to twenty-twelve and he and Liam were just trying to figure themselves out. “...what you think when you’re alone…”_

_Harry hums along but he can feel himself drifting before the chorus even hits and Liam keeps his voice mellow in spots he usually raises it during the song. Like he’s stripped it down even more just so he can sing Harry to sleep with it._

_“...I wanna be last, yeah, baby let me be your, let be your last first kiss…”_

***

Harry scrolls through his starred emails, his eyes wildly searching for the one about the concert. He has to come up with something, some kind of excuse to get out of it but he’s never cancelled on something like this. He’s never been this unprofessional about anything in his entire life. God, it should be easier than this. He shouldn’t be feeling like his entire world is crashing around him just because Liam’s going to be in the same city as him. It’s been five fucking years. Five. Years. He shouldn’t have this sort of hold over Harry’s life. Except, he does. So Harry scrolls through the email, finds the contact information and dials the number listed.

Voicemail. Fuck.

“Hi, Elizabeth. This is Harry Styles, you reached out to hire me for a concert at the O2. I’m so, so extremely upset to have to decline the job this close to the date but I actually have to go out of town for a family emergency. I apologize wholeheartedly.” Harry lets out a quiet sigh, tightening his grip on his phone. “If there is anything I can do in the future to make it up to you, please don’t hesitate to contact me. Once I get off of here, I’ll email you a list of photographers in the London area that are just as talented as I am, if not more so. Thank you so much for the offer. I hope to work with you in the future.”

Harry clicks off, letting out a drawn out groan at both the situation he’s in and how terrible he felt lying to someone like that. He doesn’t have time to dwell on it, though. He has to get things together. He has to get a train ticket. He has to shoot a model’s head shots and then he has to get the hell out of London before he can change his mind about everything. 

He throws his phone onto his bed, flopping down next to it and grabbing his laptop to type out the email to Elizabeth about other photographers to hire in his place and silently pleads to whatever higher power that might be listening for at least one of them to be free for the gig. Please, please please. 

After sending the email and securing a train ticket for tonight, he closes the computer and shoves it in his suitcase before checking the time and deciding that he deserves to take a quick nap. Even though he’s only been awake for a total of four hours, his head’s pounding and his heart feels like it’s two seconds away from breaking so he stretches out across his bed and stares at the white ceiling of his bedroom until his eyes flutter shut and he can finally drift into something other than his current reality.

***

__  
**may, 2016**  


_Harry chews on his lip, refreshing Liam’s Facebook because something is clearly glitching. He’d logged on today to find his relationship status changed from In A Relationship with Liam Payne to just In A Relationship and ever since seeing that he’s been on Liam’s, refreshing over and over again until it shows In A Relationship with Harry Styles. Except it doesn’t happen, so he sends a text and anxiously stares down at his phone while he waits._

__**_From: Harry_** __  
**To: Liam**  
_Not to sound silly but did you break up with me on Facebook? Lol._

_It takes a few moments but the typing bubble finally pops up, followed by_

__**_From: Liam_** __  
**To: Harry**  
_lol hazza i just made it private is all mngmt thot itd b a good idea incase fans found my page_

__**_From: Harry_** __  
**To: Liam**  
So… you’re hiding our relationship? I don’t get it. 

__**_From: Liam_** __  
**To: Harry**  
_ur bein dramatic its just 4 privacy_

__**_From: Harry_** __  
**To: Liam**  
_We’ve been in a public relationship since 2011, Liam and now you’re keeping me a secret and I don’t like it._

__**_From: Liam_** __  
**To: Harry**  
_im not_

__**_From: Harry_** __  
**To: Liam**  
_You are. First you make a new twitter and deactivate the one you’ve had since before we met. You erased that part of our lives so easily. Now I get on facebook and your relationship status is changed._

__**_From: Harry_** __  
**To: Liam**  
_Your profile picture is different and all the ones I was in have been deleted. The last six years of our lives are shoved in hidden photo albums. Unless you just went and deleted those too._

__**_From: Harry_** __  
**To: Liam**  
_So how am I being dramatic when my boyfriend is acting like he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend._

__**_From: Liam_** __  
**To: Harry**  
_don't say tht harry u kno I want to b ur boyfriend. y are u doubting me just bc I made stuff private 2 protect u?_

__**_From: Harry_** __  
**To: Liam**  
_I didn't ask to be protected. I don't need or want to be protected. I just want you to act like you're my boyfriend._

_Harry’s computer chimes from his desk, the skype ring familiar but still manages to surprise the boy. He crosses over, dropping into his desk chair before answering it and sinking down into the chair without a greeting._

_“You’re mad at me.” Liam says, sighing. It wasn’t a question, just a painfully obvious statement that makes Harry rolls his eyes._

_“A bit.” He sounds harsher than he means to but he decides it’s better not to soften himself anyway, he folds his arms over his torso and finally looks at his boyfriend on the screen. It’s hard to be mad when looking at his handsome face, honestly. Maybe that’s why they never fought before Liam left._

_“I wrote you a song.” Liam tries, his lips pouting a bit as he pulled his guitar into his lap. “I wanna play it for you if you’ll let me.”_

_“Go on, then.” Harry sighs, giving in. It’s fine, though, because the way Liam’s smile lights up his whole face is enough to make Harry not care about why he was mad in the first place._

_“Okay, okay.” Liam sat up straighter, adjusting his guitar before starting to strum._

_“I wanna write you a song…” Liam smiles through the screen. “One as beautiful as you are sweet with just a hint of pain for the feeling that I get when you are gone. I wanna write you a song…”_

_Harry smiles slightly, tilting his head as his boyfriend serenades him._

_“Ooooh,” Liam laughs softly as he sings. “Everything I need I get from you. Oooh, oooh, and giving back is all I wanna do…”  
_

*

  
****  
  
_august, 2016_

_Harry’s rushing to his car, holding the straps to his backpack tightly to secure his camera bag. He was on a shoot today, still on one technically but he had to hurry to some sort of privacy so he could catch Liam’s radio interview for Radio 1. Harry had nearly screamed when Liam told him about the interview, it was such a big accomplishment and Harry was so proud of him._

_It’s just a phone interview but the fact that it’s still Liam having his first radio interview in the UK is a huge deal._

_Harry tosses his bag in the back seat of his car and takes a second to catch his breath before turning the radio on and tuning it to the right frequency._

_“~... First off, I’d like to congratulate you on the single. It’s quite a good tune.”_

_Liam laughs and it makes Harry’s heart melt._

_“~Thanks, mate. I was super nervous about putting it out. I’ll never forget the first time I heard it on the radio it was insane.”_

_“~Absolutely understandable.” The host laughs softly, “You know, it’s quite- uh, bit of a sad love song.”_

_“~Ah, yeah. Quite a sad love song,” Liam laughs again. “A lot of people think it’s a break up song but I’ve never looked at it like that. I guess there’s a few lines that lean towards break up but for me it’s more long distance. All has to do with what each individual’s dealing with..”_

_“~You just moved to Los Angeles from London, right?” The host asks._

_“~Yeah, England’s definitely home but I’ve been working in Los Angeles for a bit now.”_

_“~Well, I’ve got to bring it up, Liam... “ The host laughs again, “Have you had to leave a special someone back here in the UK?”_

_Harry’s heart twists as his lips turn up into a smile, tilting his head to the side as he awaits Liam’s response. Will Liam just say yes? Or will he go into detail about the guy he’s been dating for nearly five years._

_“~Ah, haha.” Liam breathes out a sigh. “No, mate. Can’t say I’ve gone and done that.”_

_Harry’s hand raises to his mouth, covering the small gasp wanting to slip out. His eyes are fixated on the radio, like if he stares hard enough Liam’s answer will change._

_“~Oh, come on Liam! There’s no special ladies out there waiting for you to come back home?”_

_“Ladies...” Harry whispers, scoffing as his eyes start to sting with tears threatening to fall._

_“~No, I’m afraid.” Liam laughs and it drives a knife through Harry’s heart. “No special ladies waiting for me anywhere.”_

_“~Surely there’s someone out there that inspired this tune?”_

_“~Well if you find them, send them my way.” Liam laughs again like he doesn’t have a care in the world. Like he didn’t have a boyfriend listening to this interview. Like he wasn’t breaking Harry’s heart completely._

__

*

****  
  
__  
**august, 2016**

 

__

_“Hey there buttercup, how was your photoshoot today?” Liam asked as soon as Harry pressed answer on the call. Harry folded his arms, leaning back in his chair so that Liam could see him fully._

_“Hi, Mr. Eligible Bachelor.” Harry sends back, furrowing his brows a bit._

_Liam squeezes his eyes shut, leaning back in his seat. “What are you on about now, Hazza?”_

_“What am I on about?” Harry laughs bitterly, shaking his head. He leans back, tossing his head to rest against the back of his chair. “Why did you say that on the radio, Liam?”_

_“Say what, Haz?”_

_“Stop!” Harry shoots, sitting upright and glaring into the laptop screen. “Stop calling me Haz. Hazza. Buttercup. Stop with the pet names, Liam. I am angry with you. You know what’s wrong. You know what you did.”_

_Liam’s composure softens and he slinks into his chair. “You know I didn’t mean anything-” He sighs softly, rolling his head back. “Management-”_

_“Management! Management, management, management! That’s all you fucking talk about now, Liam Payne. What fucking about your management? Are they forcing you to say you’re single? Holding a gun against your head in every interview to get you to say you’re available for your ladies? What? Are they not going to manage you unless you shove yourself back in the closet like you’re fifteen and hiding from school bullies? Give me a fucking break, Liam. It’s god damn 2016.”_

_“Harry-” Liam groans, raising his voice. “They’re not forcing back into the closet, that’s so stupid to say.”_

_“Stupid to say? Stupid to say? You know what’s stupid to say, Liam? That there’s no one special waiting for you back home. Especially when your “special someone” of five years is listening. That’s stupid to say.”_

_Liam groans again, rolling his eyes._

_“Don’t roll your eyes at me, Liam James. Don’t you fucking dare act like I don’t have a reason to be upset about this. It isn’t just the radio interview. It’s you on the cover of gossip mags with lists of what you’re looking for in a girl. What your first kiss was. What her name was. I was your first kiss, Liam. You told **our** story. Our’s. Except you made me a girl. Mary? Really?”_

_“Did you ever think that maybe I don’t want to be out to the whole world, Harry?” Liam’s voice is quiet, like he’s trying his best not to retaliate with anger._

_Harry squints at his computer, his brow furrowing. “What are you talking about?”_

_“Did you ever think that I’m taking my management’s suggestion of privacy and using it the way I want to? Maybe I don’t want everyone to know my business.” Liam leans forward, leaning against the desk he’s sat at. His tries to meet Harry’s eyes but it’s impossible through the webcam._

_Harry looks away, staring at the wall across the room. “Liam…” Harry lowers his voice, visibly softening. “It’s your choice.” He nearly whispers, closing his eyes. “It’s your choice who you’re out to. It’s no one’s business, you’re right.” He tries a smile, offering his best tight lipped version. “It’s your choice if you want to pretend that you’re someone else. It’s your choice if you want to revert back to the scared little boy you were when we met. If you’d rather let your fans think that you’re something you’re not. If you’d rather let them think that you’re straight and single and available and looking, let them lay around in their room and wonder if they’re your type because you said you liked long-haired brunettes with green eyes…” Harry lets out a dry, bitter laugh. “That’s your choice.” He looks back toward the computer screen, his eyes glistening in the light. “I’m not going to have any part of it.”_

_“What are you saying right now?” Liam sits up straighter, his body tensing up. “Harry, don’t do this.”_

_“No, Liam. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep waiting, I-”_

_“~Liam, are you in there?” The voice is deep, unrecognizable to Harry._

_“Uh, yeah, man. One sec...” Liam clears his throat, looking from his door back to the computer. “Harry, come on. We can talk about this later, yeah? Like really talk about it. That’s a producer I’m working with, we’re supposed to be meeting in here.” Liam runs his hand down his face. “I’ll call you as soon as we’re done, yeah?”_

_“No.” Harry laughs again, shaking his head and rubbing his head. “No, Liam. You won’t call me. Even if you do, I don’t think I’ll answer. I’m done. So go on. Go work with this producer, go make another song that you’ve written about me and let people all over the world think it’s about some special lady you left back home.”_

_The door to the studio creaks open, Harry can see a couple of guys start to file in._

_“Hang up, Liam. Before someone starts to think that I’m someone special.”_

 

*

**_From: Liam  
To: Harry_**

_I wrote u a song the other day wanted 2 play it for u on skype but u got so angry w me love u im almost done in the studio ill call u asap_

**_From: Liam  
To: Harry_**

_cmon hazza i love u so much_

**_From: Liam  
To: Harry_**

_at least listn 2 the song? i love u please call me ive tried calling u like sixteen times babe_

**_From: Liam  
To: Harry_**

_shared: History.mp3_

 

**_From: Liam  
To: Harry_**

_hazza baby it's been two days im sorry_

**_From: Liam  
To: Harry_**

_did U listen to the song? i can fix this if u just call me…. or txt me idc at this point just need u 2 forgive me_

**_From: Harry  
To: Liam_**

_You don't get to do this, Liam. You don't get to break my heart and hurt me and play me a song that you think is going to fix it. I'm tired of it. I'm tired this. Liam, it's over. There's nothing to fix._

_  
_

*

__  
**september, 2016**  


_Harry runs his fingers through his hair, staring in the mirror ahead of him._

_“All ready, love?” A lady in a smock appears, smiling at Harry as she places her hands in her pockets. “It's a big decision, huh?” She adds when Harry hesitates too long. “Come on back to the chair and we’ll talk about it some more.” She beams, making Harry feel more comfortable and at ease already._

_“Alright, yeah.” Harry clears his throat, stepping away from the mirror to follow the blonde lady towards the back of the room._

_“What's your name, love?”_

_“Uh, Harry. You?”_

_“‘M Louise. Make most people call me Lou, though. That alright?”_

_Harry smiles for the first time in weeks. “Yeah, wiz, I've got a friend named Lou. He’s Louis but it's all the same really.”_

_Lou laughs, patting the back of her salon chair and Harry drops into it._

_“So, Harry, why are you making the big chop?”_

_Harry shrugs, pausing for a moment. “I've got an ex that really had a thing for long hair.”  
_

***

Harry has the dogs in harnesses and leads, his weekender bag thrown over his shoulder, a backpack strapped to him and he’s hurrying off of the train platform and towards the parking area nearby to find his mother’s car.

The dogs pounce a bit, making it a little difficult for Harry to lead them anywhere as they try to catch fluttering snowflakes in their mouths before they disappear against the slightly too-warm ground. Harry realizes he needs to get them out more, get them to the countryside more. It’s not easy being a dog in central London but he doesn’t think they pups would complain if they could talk.

“Harry!” He would recognize his mum’s voice anywhere. The inflation of her tone when she’s excited, her accent. It’s the most distinct sound that Harry can think of, yet she still always says ‘hi, it’s your mum’ when she leaves him voicemails.

“Hi, mum.” Harry says with a sigh of relief. He feels better just being around her, seeing her smile as she opens her arms for a hug and pulls her son in closely. He presses a quick kiss to her cheek as she hugs him since he can’t exactly hug back with two dogs tugging at his arms. “Have you been standing out here waiting for us? It’s bloody freezing up here.” Harry smiles brightly, his dimples out in full show as his mom insists on taking Mick’s lead.

“No, no. I’m just parked very close. I saw you lot coming from a mile away.” Anne’s smile can be heard in her voice and Harry can tell that she’s genuinely just happy to have him around even though it hadn’t been a week since they saw each other last. “You really ought to wear a heavier coat, Harry, for christ’s sake. You’ll catch your death if you go wandering about with just that on.”

Harry looks down at his jumper, furrowing his brows. “I packed a coat, mum, relax. It wasn’t this cold in London. It wasn’t even snowing.”

“Of course it wasn’t, dear. Now come on, let’s get you all in the car so we can pop off to the cafe and get some hot chocolate before heading home, yeah?”

Harry nods, smiling again because that’s just the effect his mum has on him. She has that effect on most people, he thinks, because she radiates nothing but kindness to everyone she’s around. She’s a saint, truly, and Harry thinks this visit is exactly what he needs to keep his mind off the fact that his ex boyfriend was going to be arriving in London at any time now. 

He swallows hard, clearing his throats afterward as he gets the dogs loaded into the car and climbs into the passenger's seat. 

“Did you happen to talk to Gem?” He asks as they pull out of the car park, watching the familiar buildings of his hometown pass through the window. 

“Yes! She’s going to come up tomorrow morning. Honestly, I'm surprised you two don't keep in better contact. It's a shame, really. You both live in London.”

“We talk almost everyday.” Harry sighs, picking at the frayed bits of his jeans. “We’re just two busy adults. Maybe you shouldn't have raised us to be successful, then we'd have no choice but to slag off our jobs and hang out in Holmes Chapel.” Harry offered his mum an award winning smile before looking back out of the window in time to see the house he and Liam had their first kiss in.

***

“Alright, what's wrong with you then?” Is what Harry wakes up to the next day. Followed by his mattresses dipping a bit just behind his back.

“What are you on about, Gemma.”

“Oh, come off it, dweeb. I know when something's bothering you. There's no way you just wanted to pop up to Mum’s randomly in the middle of January. What's going on?” Her voice softens as her hand comes in contact with Harry’s shoulder. “You can talk to me about anything, you know that.” 

Harry sighs, nodding as he rubs his eyes open. His mind feels too groggy to talk about anything. He doesn't even want to think about what's wrong right now. Honestly, he just wants to shoot some stuff and have a few hours of really, truly, very quiet alone time today. 

“I know, G. If there was anything to talk about, then I know I could talk to you. However, there's nothing.” Harry sighs, throwing his legs over the side of his bed so he could climb out of it. “I just wanted a break from London. I'm tired. I did a lot of work this week.” Harry crosses to his bag, pulling out a clean hoodie to pull over his torso. He grabs the jeans he wore yesterday, forcing his legs back into the early too tight trouser legs. 

“Alright.” Gemma pauses for a moment and Harry continues about getting ready for his day. He pulls out his camera, busies himself with attaching a lens to it. “So it has nothing to do with Liam Payne having a concert at the O2 in a few days?”

Harry freezes for a moment, lens have mounted into place as he lets his sister’s words hit him. He swallows roughly, “Does he? That's great for him. Not his first go around though, is it? I wonder if it loses the magic after a while. I heard an Ed Sheeran interview on the radio the other day where he said he never gets tired of performing in London but surely it must wear you down.” He clears his throat, turning to look at Gemma with an oscar worthy fake smile. “I'm very out of the Liam loop, Gemma. It's been like five years since we broke up.” Four years, five months, three days. “I don't keep tabs.”

“You're rambling, Harry. Defensive rambling. It's okay if that's why you've come up. I already know it's true because Niall’s called me, hasn't he? Oh don't give me that face he's your best mate. He's worried about you. We all are a little.”

“We?”

“Me, Niall and Louis.” Gemma hesitates. “And Mum… knows too.” 

“Right. Brilliant. That's just absolute wizzo.” Harry groans slightly, pressing the heel of his hand into his eye. “I don't want to talk about it, Gemma. I've done a great job at suppressing any feelings I have on this subject until this week. I just wanted away from London. Alright?” He looks at his sister again, frowning deeply. “I'm going to go shoot.”

***

It's been four, maybe five days since Harry arrived in Holmes Chapel and even though he’s completely soaking up the way his mum’s been babying him, he has to admit that he's running out of things to keep his mind occupied..

Gemma left three days ago, unable to slag off her job in London any longer. Harry thinks that one of the best perks of being his own boss, no one can tell him how long to work or what days. He makes his own schedule and if he needs to have a bit of a trip up north to cry on the couch while his head lays in his mother’s lap then there's not many hoops he has to jump through. 

The wind whips against Harry’s cheeks, flushing them bright red even though it's a nearly clear sky with the sun beaming down on the town. Harry chucks his camera bag strap over his shoulder and thinks about the weather never making sense in England. It makes sense in other places. New York, Los Angeles, even other places Europe but England would ever make sense to him. 

Niall, who spent a few months in America for a knee surgery and recovery, told him once it wasn't as bad as the Midwest where they sometimes experienced all four seasons in the span of a week. They laughed about it then but as he tugs the hood of his sweater over his head he can't help but wonder if Niall was wrong with that assumption. 

He's finished another two rolls of film, just capturing the people of this city he grew up in candidly. He knows so many of them, mostly the older folk that have frequented the same shops and cafes since before Harry could talk properly. Each of them give Holmes Chapel a little more character. They each come together to really make this town something special, something interesting to Harry even if it might not be on very many people’s radar. It's quaint, it's charming. It's home and Harry thinks it's been the perfect therapy for him this week. 

With feet dragging against the pavement, Harry steers himself towards his favorite source of warmth: the bakery he grew up working in. His mittened fingers clutched a to go coffee mug a bit tighter, his whole body fighting against the cold. He should have worn a thicker coat he thinks, popping the collar on the black trench coat up as he steps onto the sidewalk.

***

__  
**november, 2016**  


_“It's not fair” Harry screams, slamming his fist so hard against the wall his shelf shakes a little. Niall moves to make sure nothing falls from it before climbing into Harry’s bed and pulling him into a cuddle._

_Harry’s shaking, his sobs coming out full force because he hasn't been able to hold himself together since the moment his feet his the inside of his flat. “It's not fair, Niall.” He mumbles, hiccuping from crying._

_“I know i's not, Haz. He's a righ’ twat.”_

_“How could he say those things? How could he write that song?” Harry hiccups again, burying his face in Niall’s chest and dampening his shirt immediately._

_Niall's at a loss for words, just shrugging as his rubs a hand against Harry’s back. Harry can't blame him for not knowing what to say, Louis is usually the only he angry cries to._

_“He makes it sound like- like I-I- was the bad guy!” Harry gets a fist between him and Niall, rubbing his eyes roughly as he sucks snot back into his nose. “He broke my heart!” He gasps in air, his body shaking with another sob. “He broke me, Niall. He doesn't get to do this now. He doesn't get to write another song about me and break me more.”_

_Louis gets into the room at that point, out of breath like he ran the entire way there. It wouldn't surprise Harry if he did. Louis climbs into the bed immediately, pulling Harry away from Niall and tucking him into his side even though Harry has a few inches on him. Louis had a way of making it work._

_“I'll kick his arse, Harry. I really will. Who does he think he is anyway? Fool’s Gold? Really? And that line about using him. As if anyone's been used except for you.” Louis hisses, hugging Harry tighter. His words don't do any comforting, just makes him gasp for more air as his body shakes between his two best mates. Louis softens, blowing out a long sigh as he cradles a crying Harry in his arms. “Get it all out, Harry. Get it all out and take a kip, alright?”_

__

***

Harry pushes the door of the bakery open, a smile so wide on his face that his dimples are out in full force. The bell above the door chimes, announcing Harry’s arrival. He freezes in his spot, desperately trying to get his feet to react to what he’s seeing, to who he’s seeing, and get him the hell out of there.

It's too late, there's already attention on him by the time he gets turned around to pull the door open again. 

“Harry!” Babs chimes, moving out from behind the counter to welcome Harry into a hug. “Ohhhh I heard you were in town I was wondering if you'd come see us!” The old woman pressed her lips against both of Harry’s cheeks, patting them afterwards then pulling Harry into the shop more. “Oh I can't believe it, both of our boys back on the same day. Christmas came a bit late, I suppose. But I'll take the gift!” The woman smiles, clapping her hands a bit before heading towards the back room. “I’ll go get Gladys and Marge. They won't want to miss this!” She chimes as she disappears. 

Harry stares after her, frozen again because he knows whose eyes are burning into the side of his face. 

Liam clears his throat, Harry watches him cover his mouth out of the corner of his eye. He fiddled with the bagged muffin in his hand. Probably a chocolate chocolate chip, the same he used to come order from Harry when they were sixteen and falling in love. 

“Uh… Hey, Haz.” Liam breaks the silence, his hand coming up to push through his hair. Harry forces his body to turn towards Liam, wanting to seem like he isn't fazed by this sudden reunion. 

He shouldn't have done that. He really shouldn't have. Liam looks so beautiful, so warm and well groomed. He looks rich, for lack of a better word right now. But that's not what keeps Harry’s attention. He looks like Liam. Like the Liam that left Harry in London 5 years ago and never looked back.

“Is that my hoodie?” Liam adds when he realizes that Harry’s not going to respond to his first attempt at socializing. 

Harry looks down, heart dropping into the pit of his stomach because it _is_ Liam’s hoodie. One from ages ago that he got on a trip to Florida with his family when Harry Potter world very first opened. It had stopped fitting Liam by the time they started Uni and Harry had commandeered it. He supposes it never made its way into the boxes of Liam’s things Harry packed up and sent to Liam’s mum’s after their split. 

“No.” Harry replies, lying anyway. Liam doesn't deserve the truth. He doesn't deserve to know this isn't even the only thing of Liam’s he held on to, clung to with all of his might. 

Liam laughs a bit, soft and easy like he feels nothing. Harry’s hurt and a little envious. “Are you sure, mate?” Liam takes a few steps closer, only a few feet from Harry now. He reaches his hand out and sticks a finger in a hole in the chest of the hoodie. “I think I remember this hole.” Liam’s finger hooks into the hole, grazing against Harry's chest as he gives the shirt a gentle tug. “The fish hook, wasn't it? I'm a terrible cast.” Liam offers Harry a smile, his eyes wrinkling a bit more than Harry remembers. “I got it stuck in the shirt and your bum. Lucky no one got hurt that day.”

Harry only has strength for one movement so he spends the entire time Liam’s talking to decide on it. He settles on gripping Liam’s wrist, pushing his hand away from him. 

“You don't get to do this, Liam. It's not fair, you being here and- and talking to me… This isn't fair.”

“Your hair’s so short.” Liam’s face falls a bit, his face smoothed from the lack of a smile, but his eyes still shine in the light until Harry makes himself stop looking at him. 

“Oh my! Is this really happening!” A familiar, warm voice washes over the tension in the room as Marge comes rushing out of the back room. “Be still my heart! Harry and Liam back in our bakery. It's just like 2012 all over again.” Her face is bright, forcing Harry to put a dimpled smile back on his face as he hugs her, then welcomes Gladys in for a hug as well. 

“I never thought I'd see you two together again, it just warms me up!” Gladys pinches Liam’s cheek, patting it after. “You know we still keep a picture of you two right up there on the shelf. So proud of our boys.”

“We should take another to display next to it!” Babs decides, stepping back into the back room like she's going to grab a camera to follow through with her brilliant idea. Harry’s right with that assumption when she returns with an old digital camera in her hands. “I’m no famous photographer like Harry but I think I can do just fine taking it.” She laughs.

“Oh, no-” Harry starts but Liam grabs Harry by the waist and pulls him into his side, his large hand making itself at home in the curve of Harry's waist. 

“Of course we’ll do a new picture. Anything for you ladies.” Liam beams, leaning into Harry a little more as Babs readied the camera. 

Harry tries his best to smile like he’s not bordering an anxiety attack until the flash goes off and he can pull himself out of Liam’s tentacles. 

Marge comes back around the counter with a chocolate croissant and a few cookies, some of Harry and Liam’s favorite treats from their teenage years, and thrusts the bag into Harry’s hands. 

“Thank you so much, you guys. It's been so amazing to see you all again. I actually have to get going, though. I'll come again before I leave town.” Harry flashes them all a wide smile before frowning when he gets to Liam. Then Harry leaves, his feet moving faster than they had this entire week because he was running again, away from the same thing he ran from in London. 

Harry hears the bell above the bakery door chime again after he's a few feet away and he's silently begging for it to not be Liam but then he feels the hand grip his arm, spinning him around. “Haz, come on…” Liam sounds tired, exasperated, like Harry’s wearing him out by doing absolutely nothing. 

“No, Liam! What are you even doing here?”

“I'm from here, too, Harry.”

Harry scoffs, “Don't give me that. You don't give a damn about this place, you haven't for years. When was the last time you came to see your mum, Liam? Instead of having her and Geoff fly across the world to see you. When was the last time you came home? Can you even call it that anymore?”

Liam steps back, dropping his arm to his side and swallowing thickly. “Okay, Haz, I get it.”

“Stop calling me that, you don't get to call me that anymore.”

Liam nods slowly, chewing on his lip like he's trying to think of what to say. 

Harry repeats his question, “Why are you here?”

“You said there was a family emergency.”

Harry furrows his brows, confused.

“I figured it might have been a lie but Louis would barely talk to me at all and Niall refused to tell me what was going on. I had to come make sure. I wasn't- um,” Liam pauses to rub his neck “I wasn't going to like barge into Anne’s or anything. I was just asking around town if everything was alright.”

“You told them to hire me, didn't you? I don't need your help getting jobs, Liam.”

Liam laughs, “That wasn't why I asked for you, Harry. It was the only way.. you have a new number, no one will give it to me. I just wanted to see you, wanted you to hear-”

“Hear songs you wrote about me five years ago?” Harry laughs dryly, shaking his head and stepping away. “No thank you, Liam.”

Liam just smiles, his tongue sliding against his lip. “You're still so damn beautiful when you're mad at me.” He reaches forward and rubs his knuckles against Harry's cheeks gently. “I'm working in London for awhile. Niall has the address. You should come. You know, when you get back from here.”

For some reason, Harry nods. His body betrays his mind and he fucking nods, agreeing to going to see Liam another time once they part from whatever the hell this is. 

“Wicked. Um,” Liam fiddles with the muffin bag in his hand. “You can get my number from him too. If you want.” He clears his throat, cocking an eyebrow at Harry. “Or, you know. I could give it to you now…”

There's a long pause between them that consists mainly of Harry just staring at Liam because he must be fucking insane. That's the only explanation for what's going on today. 

“I don't think so, Liam.” Harry sighs, snapping out of the trance that he was put under once Liam made contact with his skin. “I ought to be going now. Really.”

“Okay.” Liam smiles again, “It was good to see you, Haz.”

Harry nods, grimacing at Liam using the nickname again. 

It wasn't good to see him. It just hurt and confused him. Liam acted like nothing happened between them, like coming back into each other's lives could be simple and easy and possible to do but it wasn't.

Harry sighs, finding a bin on the way home to throw the baked goods in. None of this could be easy.

***

__  
**March, 2010**  


_“Hey, I’m Harry.” Harry sticks his hand out, offering it to the shy boy that sat in the back of the class. He was new. Or at least Harry thought he was new. He hadn’t seen him around before but maybe he just hadn’t been looking properly._

_“I-I know.” The boy laughs softly, shaking Harry’s hand. “I’m Liam. Liam Payne.”_

_“Liam Payne. You’ve got a good name. One of those names that could be famous some day.” Harry offers him a dimpled smile, dropping into the seat next to him. “Is it alright if I sit here?”_

_“Don’t you want to sit with your friends?” Liam nods towards the front of the class and Harry lets his eyes wander towards the group of his friends chatting loudly._

_“I am.” Harry says firmly, smiling at Liam until Liam can’t help but smile back._

_“Then, yeah. I don’t mind.”_

_“Wicked.”  
_

***

“Ni, can I see your phone?” Harry asks, rubbing the back of his neck because he's nervous about going through with the plot in his mind.

“Ya, mate.” He says as he tosses his phone into Harry’s hands, not caring enough to ask for a reason which puts Harry a little at ease. 

Harry unlocks Niall’s phone and scrolls through the contacts until he finds “Payno !” Then texts the contact to himself, deleting the text so no one could know what he'd done. 

He hands the phone back, waits a few minutes then pulls his out. 

**From: Harry  
To: Liam**

_Here's my address. I'll be home at 6. This is the one chance, Liam. You don't even deserve it._

**From: Liam  
To: Harry**

_ur right I dnt thnks hazza_

Harry clutches his phone to his chest, closing his eyes tightly for a moment. His heart hurts, aches more than ever because he thought he was truly getting over Liam before the run in a few days ago in Holmes Chapel. He thought if he did see Liam it would be easier to dismiss him, to write him off as nothing because that's how deserved to be treated. Harry didn't even expect to take one look at him and suddenly have his every waking moment consumed with Liam. Liam, Liam, Liam. 

Harry just needs closure, he needs to have Liam over and stay strong and tell him that it's been five years since they had seen each other in person, five years since Liam put Harry on the back burner and ruined their relationship. Harry was going to tell Liam that there wasn't anything between them. Nothing to fix, nothing to talk about.

Their relationship ended five years ago and Harry was ready to move on.

***

Harry runs his hand against the back of his neck, pacing the studio floor as he waits for the buzzer to chime or for there to be a knock against the door. Even though he’s waiting, even though his ears are perked up and ready for the noise he still jumps out of his skin.

“Jesus…” he mumbles, running a hand down his face as he drags his feet to the door and pulls it open. “Heyyy.” Harry mumbles, stepping to the side so Liam could step through. 

“Hey.” Liam smiles, rubbing his knuckles against the stubble on his jaw. “I'm glad you texted me.”

“Yeah.” Harry clears his throat, flicking his eyes away for a moment to gather himself again because for some reason Harry’s still so weak for Liam. 

“Where are the dogs?” Liam asks softly, stepping into Harry’s space. He lifts his hand, bumping his fingers against Harry’s jaw for a moment before pulling away like he knows he’s pushing his limits. 

“Mum’s bringing them back tomorrow, I didn't want to take them on the train again. They're too big, too hard to handle for one person sometimes.” Harry clears his throat, “They usually stay upstairs though.” He nods his head towards the back set of stairs just behind them. 

Liam nods, his eyes bouncing around the studio. “This place is killer, Haz. Like a real proper studio. You're some sort of professional or something?” Liam laughs, nervously raising his eyebrows. 

“Something like that, mate. Um. Do you want some tea or something?” Harry points behind him at the stairs, smiling slightly. 

“Yeah, wicked.” 

They make their way upstairs slowly, Liam following Harry so close that it makes Harry’s palms sweat with nervousness. 

Then they're upstairs and Liam grips Harry’s waist, pulling him against his chest. Liam presses his lips against Harry’s neck, trailing kisses up to Harry’s lips. Liam turns and presses Harry’s body against the front door, gripping Harry under the thighs and lifting him with ease so Harry’s legs can wrap around Liam’s waist. 

“What are you-” Harry pants as Liam’s lips press firmly against the skin of Harry’s neck, sucking a mark “-you can't just...” Liam presses his hips into Harry, dragging a moan from Harry’s throat. “Fuck- Liam,”

“Yes, love?” Liam responds, nonchalant and like he's not pressing himself against Harry in the middle of Harry’s flat five years after they broke up. If Harry closes his eyes tight enough, it's almost 2015 again. It's almost like nothing’s changed at all. 

“Need you.” Harry replies simply, catching Liam’s lips between his and slotting their mouths together. It's perfect, familiar and intense. Nothing’s changed, nothing’s changed. 

“Yeah?” Liam asks, cocky as he grinds against Harry again. 

It makes Harry gasp, leaning his head back to hit against the wall. He decides to fuel Liam further, “Need you so bad.” He moans out, wrapping his legs tighter around Liam’s waist as his already too-tight skinny jeans chaff against his dick.

Liam grunts as he places his face against Harry’s neck, mouthing at the skin there. 

“Couch-” Harry whines, nails digging into the jumper at Liam’s shoulders. 

Liam spins them around, holding onto Harry tightly as he walks them to the couch. He sits Harry down, bending over so their faces could brush against each other. 

This shouldn't be happening, Harry should stop him, should pull away. Except, Harry wants this. He wants this so bad that he can’t bear to think about stopping it. 

His hands fumble with the bottom of Harry’s shirt, pulling away from kissing to start tugging it over Harry’s head. Liam’s hands press gently against Harry’s chest, leading him onto his back. And Harry goes, giving Liam whatever he wants. Nothing’s changed. 

Then Liam’s hands are all over his as his lips press against Harry’s chest, his abdomen. Harry thinks Liam’s kissing each tattoo as he goes. 

Liam pauses, palming Harry’s hipbone for a moment and it takes Harry too long to figure out what he’s doing but when he does, he props himself up on his elbows and watches Liam’s face twist into something unreadable. Harry looks down, watching Liam’s finger trace over his laurel.

“You covered it?” Liam spits, his hand pressing down harder. It almost hurts but Harry’s never cared much about pain. “You covered it.” The second time around it sounds hurt, less angry and more like Harry covering up marks on his skin left by Liam all those years ago is the worst thing that could have been done.

“You left me, Liam, for five years. You stopped caring.” Harry spits back, furrowing his brows. “You still think the world revolves around you.”

“Harry…” 

“No, Liam.” Harry huffs, pulling himself into an upright position and grabbing his shirt. “I think you should go.” He climbs off of the couch, pulling his shirt over his head. “This was a mistake, this was supposed to be closure. Not-” Harry waved his hand between them, gesturing what he meant. 

“I'm not leaving.” Liam let's put a dry laugh, crossing his arms as he looks up at Harry from the floor.

“What do you want from me?” Harry’s chest heaves with defeat. He had spent so long today going over all the ways he would tell Liam shove it, to continue going about his life pretending Harry didn't exist, to stay the hell away from a Harry only to give into him the moment Liam crossed the threshold.

“Anything you’ll give me, Haz.” Liam rises from his knees, crossing to Harry he reaches for Harry’s hands. “It's all I've ever wanted, whatever you're willing to give me.”

“What if I'm not willing to give you anything?” Harry pulls his hands out of Liam’s reach and crosses his arms across his chest. 

Liam shrugs, chewing his lip like he's really considering Harry’s words. “I can wait until you are.”

“And if I never am?” Liam sighs at that, rubbing his knuckles against his stubble again and there's a long pause between them. Harry doesn't dare look towards Liam, doesn't give him the satisfaction. 

“You will be, some day. You still love me, Harry.” 

Harry shakes his head. “I don't.” The words burn like acid in his throat but he tilts his chin higher. “I don't, Liam. It's been five years. Five years! Don’t you get it? This! This was the problem! You thinking I'm just going to be here waiting for you. I'm not your toy to take advantage of anymore, Liam. I don't love you.” Harry clears his throat, blinking away the stinging in his eyes. “Not anymore.”

“Alright.” Liam laughs softly, dryly. It wasn't really a laugh, more of a strange exhale of air.

***

__  
**February, 2017**  


_Harry climbs into his car and tosses his head back against the seat. It’s been a long day. A long, tiring day and he just wants to sleep but he’s still almost two hours from home and only stopped to fill up on petrol. He’s never driving from London to Holmes Chapel again. He’ll take the train for the rest of his life if he has to. This was too long, too tiring, too boring._

_He lets out a yawn, stretching out before pulling his seatbelt on and turning the key over. The radio starts playing immediately, some new Ed Sheeran song that Harry hasn’t bothered to listen to yet._

_“~Ain’t nobody hurt you like I hurt you but ain’t nobody love you like I do. Promise that I will not take it personal, baby, if you’re moving on with someone new. ‘Cause baby you look happier, you do. My friends told me one day I’ll feel it too and until then I’ll smile to hide the truth cause I know I was happier with you.”_

_The song ends, typical because Harry always catches decent songs at the end of their play on the radio. The dj chimes in, ~”And that was Happier by Ed Sheeran. Ed was on our show last weekend and filled us all in on what some of the songs on his album are about. Missed it? Don’t worry, I’ve got a clip right here for you.”_

_“~I tend to write from not only my perspective of a situation, but from those of my friends and family too. Supermarket Flowers is about losing my nan but through my mother’s eyes. Happier is a song that most people can relate to, the feeling of seeing someone you loved move on, but I actually wrote it with my mate Liam. He’s taking a bit of a break from music for right now but he’s incredibly talented and we spent some time just writing together before my album finished up. He told me I had to use the song since he wasn’t going to. From what I know, from what he told me, it’s about how he saw a picture of his ex with someone else online and realized that he really fucked up by letting them go.”_

_Harry took in a deep breath, nearly punching the button to turn the radio off. His hands find his hair, rubbing against the short length on the back of his head. It’s only been a few months. Only since the summer last year and Harry knows… He knows that he was the ex. Liam hasn’t been with anyone else. Not that he really keeps up on what Liam’s done in the last few months but… It has to be about him._

__

***

“When were you going to tell me?” Louis clears his throat, plopping onto Harry’s couch and welcoming Mick into his lap.

Harry quirks his eyebrow, squinting a bit. “I actually don't have any idea what you're talking, mate.” Harry fiddles with a lens, mounting it on the body of camera as Louis scoffed. 

“You're a terrible liar, Harry. Probably because you don't do it often enough.” Louis stands, crossing to the counter that Harry's sitting at. He leans against it, placing his pointed chin in the palm of his hand. “So, tell me about Liam.” Louis smiles all knowingly, his eyes piercing into Harry’s face. 

“There's nothing to tell. Honestly. He followed me to Holmes Chapel. He followed me back here. I kicked him out.” Harry raises his brows a bit, sighing as he pushes off of the counter to grab a cup for tea. “That's it, Louis.”

Louis makes a noise in the back of his throat that makes Harry’s back tense up as he pouts hot water over his tea. 

“You know, I haven't talked to him much since you broke it off. Niall doesn't share my level of loyalty but it's not like they're still best mates.” Louis taps his knuckles against the counter. “And it's not like Liam really tried with us, either. For awhile.” Louis pauses and Harry swirls a spoon in his cup. “But,” Louis starts again, sighing. “I think, um. He's trying to fix what he fucked up.” Louis’ face softens as Harry turns to face him. 

“Lou...”

“Niall knows more than I do but Liam’s gone through…” Louis pauses, like he knows he’s nearing a touchy subject. “A lot after your break up.”

“What about what I went through? Am I just supposed to just forget about what he did? Just forgive him? Why should I do that?”

“I'm not saying you haven't suffered too, but you have to realize that it's a two way street. No, Harry. Don't give me that look, listen to me. You ended things with him. You took that last step and while I remember how right you were in doing that, I don't think Liam ever thought you’d actually end things.” Louis closes his eyes, dropping his head. “I was there when you broke, when you shut down. Liam didn't have us, or anyone, to be there. And I know that's his fault, he did it to himself but I think he’s just trying to sort it all out.”

“But why should I give him that option? Why can't we keep going about our lives the way we have since 2016? Why now?”

“Because you still love him. I didn't know until the day you left for Holmes Chapel. I had assumed, maybe, you'd stopped somewhere along the way but I was wrong. And I think he still loves you, Harry. Know he does, really.” 

Louis sighs, raising his head to look at Harry, who’s hiding behind his steaming cup of tea, again. “You blocked him out of your mind completely. You somehow ignored his entire existence. The last five years, looking back at it now, Liam’s been trying to get your attention in the only way he knows how. It's so clear now, so obvious.” Lou lets out a soft laugh, tapping his knuckles against the counter top again. “I'm not telling you that you have to ring him right now and sort everything out but a Google Search might suffice.”

Louis stands, crossing the kitchen to press a kiss against Harry’s hair. “Listen to his albums, look through his twitter. I'm telling you to cyber stalk your ex, you'll never have a best friend give such solid advice.”

“What if I get hurt again?” Harry uses both hands to hold his cup, clutching it tight enough that his hands barely shake. 

“That’s a possibility, but only you can give him the power to do that.”

***

Harry drums his fingers against his desk, glancing at the time again. It’s only been five minutes since the last time he looked. He’s just distracted today, his mind’s running in a million different directs and he’s not sure which path to follow. There’s work pulled up on his computer screen, a shoot he has to edit but suddenly his neck’s sore and he can’t sit up straight. Which, of course, means that he can’t possibly focus on working. He pulls up Google Chrome, hovering the cursor over the address bar for a moment, closing his eyes as it loads because there’s some (very small) part in his mind that’s telling him he doesn’t want to see it. He doesn’t want to look at it, he doesn’t want to listen to Louis’ advice and let himself get dragged into the downward spiral that is caring about Liam Payne. Not again. 

_30m_ **@Real_Liam_Payne:** so weird seein ur childhood bedroom after being away from it since u were 18 :O mums still got me old rabbit curtains hanging up

Harry scrolls a little further, not wanting to think about the curtains that he’s seen so many times in his life. 

_1d_ **@Real_Liam_Payne:** you been sleeping with my sweaterrrrr 

_2d_ **@Real_Liam_Payne:** meet in the middle

 _2d_ **@Real_Liam_Payne:** been listenin to a lot of my older songs, miss playin them 

_3d_ **@Real_Liam_Payne:** we took a chance god knows we triiiiied

 _3d_ **@Real_Liam_Payne:** album 3 here we go love that im workin in lndn missed home!!

Harry scrolls even further, squeezing his eyes shut so he couldn’t get distracted by reading tweets Liam’s posted since they ran into each other. He scrolls until it takes too long to load more and he finds himself reading. 

_3w_ **@Real_Liam_Payne:** make sure u catch Z on GMA! gonna smash it wish I cud be there

 _3w_ **@Real_Liam_Payne:** Vegas babyyyyyyy!!!!!!!

 _3w_ **@Real_Liam_Payne:** Can't even do your shopping these days without some creepy guy stalking ya with a huge camera 

_4w_ **@Real_Liam_Payne:** @the1975 somebody else is an absolute monster vibe literally can't turn it off

Harry scrolls more, squinting at the tweets he’s passing because he doesn't know what Louis meant. According to his tweets, Liam seems to be doing just fine aside from a few the last few days that were clearly about Harry. Liam’s famous, tweets a lot and can't quite spell properly but he’s fine. There's nothing to show otherwise. 

Harry’s like thirteen months back now because he can't stop looking even though he's convinced himself this is all pointless. 

**@Real_Liam_Payne:** #askliam

 **@Real_Liam_Payne:** every song I've ever written is abt the same person. my advice? fall in love RT”@elizajane: #askliam how do you get inspo for writing”

 **@Real_Liam_Payne:** love u goodbye bc I had just gotten dumped n couldn't fix it RT”@luvliamp: #askliam hardest song to write ever?”

 **@Real_Liam_Payne:** it was called ‘I Wish’ and was abt a boy I liked kissing someone else at a party haha RT”@allie_xx: #askliam first song you ever wrote?”

 **@Real_Liam_Payne:** always knew. RT”@halfahearts: #askliam when did you realize you were gay?” 

**@Real_Liam_Payne:** ooh big question. 2016 was a pretty shit year full of dumb choices. RT”@liamspaynes: #askliam biggest regrets?”

It's probably just a coincidence that Harry reads tweets about him. That's all. Just a coincidence and nothing more. Maybe Liam's been planning this for a whole year, planting tweets for Louis to tell Harry to read in some weird attempt to get Harry to forgive him. It's not going to work. Nothing is going to work. 

Harry pulls up his messages, scrolling to find Louis. 

**From: Harry  
To: Louis**

_I looked at Liam’s twitter like a year back. He seems just fine. Can we drop this whole thing now?_

**From: Louis  
To: Harry**

_try this then. https://www.google.com/search?Liam+Payne+2018_

Harry clicks the link, letting out a heavy sigh as the web page loads. The he’s faced with news articles with Liam’s name in the headlines, paired with words Harry never thought he'd ever see in the same sentence as it. 

**Liam Payne: details of his battle with drinking and drugs**

**Liam Payne: Rehab in the future?**

**Liam Payne appears drunk at another award show**

**Liam Payne: excessive drinking**

He clicks the top result, **Liam Payne opens up about his drinking problem, drugs, rehab** and let's his eyes scan the page. 

“~You've spent most of the last year making headlines for some not so great things, but you seem to be on a better track now.”

“Yeah, yeah. I'm back working, I guess. I stopped for awhile, postponed a small, second tour I had planned for this past spring so I could get a grip on myself and focus on my health.” 

“~Can you talk any about what was going on in your worst moments?”

“Ah, tough question. I guess, you know, I had just moved to America in 2016 and the focus I put on pumping out my first album took my focus off of other important things back home. I lost myself and in the process I lost some important people. It felt like I didn't have a reason to be doing it all anymore. I finished the album, started doing more press, toured 2017 and it just spiraled downward, you know? I got angry at everything, drinking made that worse. The environment is so different here in LA, too. There's so many celebrities with similar issues that alcohol and drugs seem like the path to take since you see so many peers taking it. I was young and angry and a little heartbroken. I let that change me and the result was ending 2018 in this interview, fresh out from of a few months of rehab and feeling pretty good.”

“~You speak very candidly about going to rehab, many celebrities try to keep that pretty quiet.”

“I think there's too much of a stigma on personal health. Mental, emotional health is just as important as physical. I'm an advocate for taking care of yourself.”

“~Was there any one moment that snapped you into thinking ‘hey, I need to seek help’?”

“Definitely. I got a call from a mate back home. He uh- hadn't talked to me for a few months but he called and we chatted for a good few hours. I think I just needed that. It's not like my family hadn't already been trying, but I think I needed it from him. It's like there were only like three people I'd have listened to about getting help and he was one of them. I'm forever thankful to him too.”

Harry skims the rest of the page, bouncing from Liam quote to Liam quote and nearly ignoring everything the interviewer said. His heart aches, twists and tightens in his chest each time Liam mentions his mental state because even if he’s managed to convince his mind that he hates Liam, it’s the furthest thing from the truth.

Harry closes the page, leaning back in his chair and rubbing his hands over his face as he thinks about all the things Louis had told him a few days prior. Harry didn’t know. He didn’t know that Liam had went through all of this, if he had… maybe he’d have been the one to call. Maybe he could have prevented it from happening at all if he had just stayed. If he had just let himself keep loving Liam through everything. 

He sighs, squeezing his eyes shut as he presses his forehead against his desk. The truth is that he can't blame himself, he can't think that if he did this or this or that differently then Liam would have never had the issues he had because if Harry had stayed then he would have just ended up worse off than he already was. It was lose lose, there had never been a way for both of them to win.

Louis’ words float to the front of his mind again, “The last five years, looking back at it now, Liam’s been trying to get your attention in the only way he knows how,” as Harry straightens back up in his chair and opens iTunes without hesitation. 

As he scrolls through the track list, Harry can still remember Liam’s first album like he heard the songs just yesterday. He's only listened to a few of the finished studio versions but he’s heard Liam break almost every one of them down and play acoustic. Harry always preferred that version, anyway. 

He clicks on Liam’s second album and hits shuffle, turning the volume up on the computer and leaning back in the chair again. 

_”If I could fly, I'd be coming right back home to you. I think I might give up everything, just ask me to…”_

Harry skips to the next song halfway through, his eyes stinging a bit. 

_”...I know there's nothing I can do to change it but is it something that can be negotiated? My heart's already breaking, baby, go on, twist the knife…”_

Harry hits skip again. 

_”We made a fire, went down in the flames. We sailed an ocean and drowned in a wave. Built a cathedral but we never prayed. We had it all, yeah, and we walked away Point of no return and now it's just too late to turn around. I try to forgive you, but I struggle 'cause I don't-”_

Harry skips to the next song, squeezing his eyes shut. 

_”A week ago you said to me "Do you believe I'll never be too far"...”_

Harry skips.

_”... So I built you a house from a broken home and I wrote you a song from the words you spoke…”_

_Harry lets the song play because he's exhausted suddenly, in tears by the second verse but he can't decide if it's the song doing it or something else entirely._

_Lowering the volume on the computer, Harry grabs his phone as the songs end and begin on their own accord for the rest of the album_

_**To: Liam**  
**From: Harry** _

__How many are about me?_ _

_His phone vibrates almost immediately, like Liam had been waiting for Harry to ask._

_**To: Harry  
From: Liam** _

__all of them_ _

____

***

_”... Are you sleeping, baby, by yourself or are you giving it to someone else? Try to find you but I just don't know, where do broken hearts go?”_

Harry’s feet pound against the asphalt, picking up his pace a little so it matches beat of the music pumping through his headphones. He’s had Liam’s music on shuffle on stop for three days, torturing himself with it at all moments of the day. During a shoot? It was playing. Making dinner? It was playing? Taking the dogs for a run? It was playing. 

He’s fixating on it, letting it consume every moment of his life because this was all he had to fill the five year gap in his life where Liam was missing. This was all he had because he couldn’t admit to himself that everyone was right about him not being over Liam. He couldn’t admit that he needed to dial his pride back and actually talk to Liam about everything. He couldn’t even reply to Liam anymore, the texts just sat unread in his messages. One for every day of the two weeks he’s been ignoring him. 

The music provides such a big distraction that Harry doesn’t notice his grip slacking on the dogs’ double leash until it slips from his hand and both dogs explore their newfound freedom and quicken their pace just enough that Harry can’t quite catch up to them. He still tries though, frantic at the thought of anything happening to them. They’re so close to home but it's a busy street in London, he hates thinking about what could happen. He’s had them for so long he couldn’t imagine losing either of them in any way but especially not both of them because his head’s so fucked up over something stupid that he couldn’t keep ahold of their leads.

He rounds a corner, nearly tripping over his own feet as he tries his best to catch up with the dogs. They’re like ten feet ahead of him at this point but Harry can see a figure get caught between them, trapped by the V of their split leash. At least it stops them, even if it nearly took out a poor pedestrian. 

“I'm so sorry about that,” Harry pants as he slows to a stop near the man squaring to pet his dogs, pulling his headphones out of his ears. “They don't usually run off like that.” 

Harry’s met with Liam’s laugh. “Maybe they sensed me.”

“They don't know you.” Harry spits back, his jaw tightening as he pulls the leash out of Liam’s hands. He tries to soften himself, tries to remind himself that he was just listening to a song that Liam wrote about him. 

“Dogs have really good memories, I read about it once. You know, when I was wondering if our dogs remembered me.”

“ _My_ dogs don't have anything to remember.” Harry secures the leash around his wrist, holding onto it tightly for added security. They're only a few doors down from his flat, at least he knows he can get them home safely. “What are you even doing here?”

“Um. Well.” Liam lets out a nervous chuckle. “It's your birthday.”

“My birthday’s-”

“Tomorrow. I know. I'm supposed to do studio time, I didn't wanna miss it, though. Louis told me about the party on Friday. Sounds like it's gonna be sick.”

“Yeah, well. You only get one year closer to thirty twenty-nine times in your life. Figured I might as well do it with a bang.” Harry clears his throat. “He didn't invite you, did he?”

“Um, no. No he didn't. Not his place to, of course. Wouldn’t expect an invite anyway.” Liam rubs at the back of his neck. “Could I come up, Harry? I have curry chips.” He raises his other hand, showing off a takeaway bag that Harry had to noticed until now. “If you want it.” 

Harry sighs, closing his eyes but he nods. “Yeah, Li. Come on. Can't say no to a birthday takeaway.”

Liam’s body language softens. “It's almost like I know you or something.”

“Almost.” Harry nods. 

***

Harry laughs around a chip as Liam wrestles around with the dogs, letting them pounce all over him and lick his face. It feels so comfortable. He's only been here for fifteen minutes and it already feels like before Liam left, it feels like home and familiarity and Harry wants to swim around in it. 

“So, Haz- uh, Harry. Sorry. So, Harry.” Liam pulls himself into a seated position again, crossing his legs and tucking Loki under his arm so he’s have to settle down. “I just wanted to come apologize, honestly. I know that I shouldn't have done, well, anything that I've done this last month or so. I knew before I did them, to be fair, I just didn't care much.” Liam rubs at the back of his neck, chuckling nervously. “It's like just thinking about you makes me act like I'm a kid again, desperate for your attention.”

Harry’s lips twist into a slight smile, looking down at the shared box of chips instead of up at Liam. “I've been talking to Louis a lot lately-”

“Terrible idea.” There’s a smile in Liam’s tone but Harry can't make himself look up at it. 

“I know, but he's filled me in a bit on what I missed the last five years.” Harry swallows, “What you went through and… stuff.”

Silence falls between them but it's not uncomfortable. It's just quiet, heavy and thick. 

“You couldn't have changed anything, Harry. I never blamed you for what I went through.”

“I wish I could have tried, at least. Liam, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for how I left and never looked back. I thought it'd be the easiest thing for me.” Harry picks up a chip and uses it to push some others around, his stomach too tight to desire any more right now. “It wasn't. I hope you know that.”

“Oh, yeah. Hard to not know with how happy you've been to see me.” Liam nudges his knee against Harry’s, smiling widely when Harry finally looks up at him. “I treated you like you were a second choice. I didn't realize it back then but as soon as you were actually gone… that destroyed me, Hazza. You were never my second choice. I felt so shit about everything.”

Harry nods, looking away again. “I know. I read, um, some interviews.” He laughs softly, embarrassed almost. “And listened to your discography. Went through a year's worth of tweets.” Harry sucks on his teeth, looking back at Liam from the corner of his eye. “When I was running just now, I was listening to Unbalanced.”

Liam’s eyes crinkle from a smile, “I kind of figured. You know if you wanted to be sneaky, you shouldn't favorite tweets from 2019 on your verified twitter.” 

“Foiled by technology.” Harry laughs softly, his body easing into even more comfort. “I lied to you, Liam.”

With his eyebrows raised, Liam tilts his head. “About what?”

“I do still love you.”

“I know.” Liam laughs, “I know.” He repeats softly, reaching over to push Harry’s hair off of his forehead. “I never stopped loving you.”

“Yeah.” Harry smiles, “I've heard.” He clears his throat, looking back down at his food. 

***

Liam drew a deep breath, tossing his half empty pack of cigarettes between his hands as he perched on the windowsill. The window’s only cracked but the temperature in the room’s fallen a few degrees from being exposed to cool London air.

“I should probably get out of here, it’s getting late.” Liam stands, stretching his back out as he does so. 

Harry glances at the clock, squinting at the time. He hadn’t realized how fast the night had gone or how easy it was to get caught up in Liam after all the years that had passed. “Yeah, or you could, um.” Harry yawns softly, stretching as he pulls himself up from the couch. “You could stay? If you wanted.. You know... until morning.”

“I could?” Liam’s lips twist into a smile as he crosses to where Harry stands. 

“It's almost my birthday.” Harry closes the distance between them a bit more. 

“I don't have a gift.”

“We could ring it in together.”

“Yeah, we could.” 

“Yeah.”

Liam closes the gap, his hands coming to rest on Harry’s narrow waist. “If you want me to stay, I'll stay.”

“Then stay, Liam. Stay til morning.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

Their voices are only whispers, disappearing into the air as soon as the words leave their mouths. It's like they're both scared and being as gentle as humanly possible. Harry can't stand it, can't handle tip-toeing around it anymore because for the last four hours his body’s been begging for Liam’s like he needs his touch to survive the night. 

Harry moves first, rocking forward on the balls of his feet to press his lips against Liam’s, but it doesn't take long for Liam to catch up. Liam tightens his grip around Harry’s waist, pulling him flush against his body as their lips move perfectly synchronized together like no time had passed since their last kiss. Like Liam had just come back to their home after a long day at work and scooped Harry into his arms, pressing a firm kiss against his lips. The kiss doesn’t last long but it speaks louder than any of the words they’d shared today. It soothes the ache under Harry’s skin, eases the pain in his heart. It’s their first actual kiss since Liam left for Los Angeles and Harry’s heart starts pitter-pattering a little faster as he pulls away with a slight laugh. 

Liam closes the distance this time, pressing his fingers into Harry’s side even harder as he pushes his face forward and nudges his nose against Harry’s. Their next kiss is soft and gentle, careful in a way like Liam’s scared that Harry’s going to change his mind and kick him out at any minute but Harry’s mind is nowhere near that conclusion. All he can think is how how how did I manage so long without him.

Harry gets his hands linked with Liam’s as he starts walking backwards to lead Liam towards his bedroom without having to break too far from him, pressing chaste kisses to Liam’s lips every few steps. It’s juvenile, the way he feels. It’s giddy and happy and like he’s not almost thirty or that midnight brings him another foot closer to that finish line. It’s like muscle memory from six years ago is taking over and suddenly this isn’t Harry’s large, spacious flat that he lives at in 2021 with his studio on the ground level. It’s his and Liam’s small flat on the fourth floor of a run down building that they spent the entirety of 2014 saving for. Harry’s back presses against his bedroom door, Liam pushes him into it more as he presses a feverish kiss to Harry’s pink lips. 

Harry twists his arm back, fumbling with the angle a bit but he finally gets his door open and the two of them stumble through the threshold because no matter how much focus Harry’s putting on getting Liam to his bed, he’s still Harry. He’s still clumsy. They laugh together, soft and quiet as their lips part and Liam give Harry the space he needs to make it safely to the edge of his bed. 

“I wasn’t lying the other day when I said I needed you.” Harry whispers, sitting against the edge of his mattress. He looks up at Liam through his lashes, his cheeks dimpling from the size of his smile. 

Liam groans slightly, pushing Harry back by the shoulders so he lays flat. Liam dives down, pressing his lips to Harry’s neck. Then his hands are up Harry’s shirt, forcing it over Harry’s head and Liam’s lips find his chest. Liam sucks a mark against one of the sparrow tattoos, leaving the skin red and raw. Then he uses his tongue to soothe over it before kissing down to the moth and doing the same. Liam kisses to the laurel on his left hip, then again and again before he focuses on undoing Harry’s jeans and peeling them off of him. 

“I’m sorry I left, Harry.” Liam mumbles, nudging his nose along Harry’s hipbone. 

“I know, Li.” Harry smiles, running his finger through Liam’s hair. “I know. Come here.”

Liam climbs up Harry’s body, hovering above him as he presses kisses to Harry’s lips. 

“Off.” Harry demands, tugging on Liam’s shirt. Harry busies himself with adjusting on the bed better as Liam gets undressed, adding his clothes to Harry’s that were already discarded on the floor. “Now come back.” Harry laughs, situating himself on the bed better.

“You’re still so bossy,” Liam smiles, climbing back on top of Harry.

“And you still love it.” Harry nudges his nose against Liam’s before stretching up and catching Liam’s lips for a heavy kiss, his fingers toying with the hair at the base of Liam’s neck. 

“I do.” Liam mumbles his response against Harry’s lips. “More than anything.”

Harry lets out a breathy laugh, his hands sliding down to rest on Liam’s chest. “Hey, maybe we could hang out some more this week?” 

Liam quirks his eyebrow, rolling off of Harry and propping himself up on his side next to him instead. “Yeah, that’d be really cool.”

Harry stretches, pressing another kiss to Liam’s lips because he can’t get enough right now. “And you should come to the party on Saturday. It’s gonna be at Louis’ pub. It won’t be some huuuge thing but it’s gonna be great.” Harry moves his body, snuggling closer to Liam. 

Liam’s arm wrap around Harry’s body, holding him as close as possible. “Yeah, Haz. I’ll be there.”

With a yawn, Harry tugs a blanket over them and closes his eyes.

“Happy Birthday, Harry.”

***

Harry wakes up cold, pulling his duvet up to his chin as he keeps his eyes squeezed shut to block out the bright sun. He almost forgets it’s his birthday but once he realizes it, Harry rolls over and stretches his arm out to wrap around Liam only to find his bed empty. Harry’s heart starts to race as he shoots straight up, feebly looking around his room for any sign that Liam was still there. It was empty, no clothes left on the floor, no note. Liam was gone again.

Harry sighs as he climbs out of bed, wrapping his blanket around him snuggly so he wouldn’t have to get dressed yet. He should have expected this to happen. His heart shouldn’t hurt this badly because Liam left him. That’s what Liam did. Harry dragged his feet to his door, pulling it open and stepping out into his apartment.

“Happy Birthday, Sleepy Head!” Liam beams, hovering over Harry’s stove with a smile breaking his face in half. 

“Liam? What- I thought you left. What are you doing?” 

“Leave? You? Never.” Liam’s face transformed into something very serious, making sure that Harry knew he wasn’t playing around. He moves across the kitchen, wrapping Harry up in his arms to press a quick kiss to his lips. “I was just making you a birthday breakfast since I do, in fact, have to leave later.”

“Birthday breakfast cooked by my ex boyfriend? Interesting. What are you making?” Harry leans against Liam’s chest, his eyes fluttering shut. 

“Well, I know it’s been a few years but I think I still remember your favorite breakfast.” Liam pulls away from Harry again and moves to figure out which cupboard Harry keeps his plates. “Dippy eggs and soldiers, of course.”

“That’s brilliant, Li.” Harry’s face cracks into a wide smile, his cheeks dimpling. “You didn’t have to make me anything, I know you’re busy today.”

“I’m not too busy to have a birthday breakfast.” Liam plated their food, nodding for Harry to follow him to the table and Harry obliges. “Work doesn’t start until later anyway.”

Harry drops into the chair that Liam sits his plate in front of, grabs his spoon and gets to work on opening his egg. “What are you working on, anyway?”

Liam sighs, “Third album. It’s a little late since I, you know. Took some time off in two thousand and seventeen and eighteen. Then when I did start working again, I had tours I had to do. I’ve been stretching that for as long as I could, finally wrapped up last month but you know that already.” Liam smiles a bit, dipping his toast soldier in the yolk of his egg before taking a bite and only getting a little bit of yolk dribble on his chin.

Harry leans forward, stretching his arm across the table to clean Liam’s chin off for him. “So you’re writing and stuff?”

Liam nods, smiling his crinkle-eyed-smile at Harry. “I’m writing and stuff. I had a block for a while but the last few weeks I’ve been pumping out lyrics. I just have to get music with them and my studio time’s almost up.”

“I still have a guitar, you know? It’s actually your old one.” Harry looks down at his plate, bashful because he doesn’t think he could even name all of the things he still had of Liam’s. “If you.. You know.. Wanted an opinion on anything.” Harry smiled, taking a big bite of toast.

“Maybe I could take you up on that offer this week.” Liam smiles around his toast, not taking his eyes off of Harry. 

It falls quiet between the two of them for a moment and Harry takes the time to wonder what’s running through Liam’s mind and immediately, as if Liam’s reading Harry’s, Liam gives him the answer.

“I could play you something I just finished, though, like now, if you wanted… after breakfast.” Liam smiles slightly, pushing a piece of toast in and out of the egg’s yolk.

Harry nods, lips breaking his face in half as they stretch into a smile. “Now’s fine. Let me go grab the guitar.” He pushes his chair back and stands, crossing to the spare bedroom in a few long strides. He’s always kept his hobbyist tools in here, a guitar, a keyboard, his easel and paint collection. The only people he ever has come and visit usually don’t mind the objects being shoved in the corner.

Harry returns with the guitar in hand to find Liam stretched across the floor with the dogs licking all over his face. It makes him smile, seeing them together again. Loki had always technically been Liam’s dog, and Mick was Harry’s but Harry doesn’t think the dogs ever loved either of them any less than the other. Even if Liam left them for five years, too, they still loved on him just like they did the last day he was there. 

“I told you they remembered me.” Liam laughs, rubbing both dogs between their ears. 

“Sorry I ever doubted it.” Harry props the guitar against the couch, taking a seat as he waits for Liam to be ready to play.

***

__  
**february, 2013**  


_“Are you going to demo this one?” Harry hums, holding Liam’s lyric notebook further from his face as he reads every line. “The lyrics are really sweet.” He smiles, leaning into Liam’s chest._

_Liam wraps his arms around Harry, pulling him in tightly and resting his chin on the top of Harry’s head. “I want to, I do, but I have an idea of it in my head that I won’t be able to achieve unless…” Liam gives Harry a slight squeeze._

_“Oh no, no way. You can sing it, this easily fits in your range. Which is like twice as wide as mine.” Harry scoffs slightly, pulling himself out of Liam’s arms. “You’re nuts, babe. Completely nuts.”_

_Liam presses his lips against the back of Harry’s neck, trailing kisses across his shoulder. “I could sing it, yeah, no problem but I wanna hear you sing it at least once.” Liam mumbles against Harry’s skin, pressing kisses again. “Please, baby…” He whispers. “Baby, baby, baby…”_

_Harry laughs softly, wrinkling his nose. “Jesus, fine. Fine. Just play your dumb guitar.” Harry leans into Liam again, turning his body so he can press his lips against Liam’s before climbing out of his lap._

_Liam replaces Harry in his lap with his guitar and strums it gently to check that it’s still in tune even though it’s not even been a full three hours since he’s played it last. “I’ll sing the first verse, you can come in whenever..” Liam clears his throat, “You tell me that you’re sad and lost your way. You tell me that your tears are here to stay, but I know you were only hiding and I just wanna see ya…” Liam pauses, waiting for Harry to chime in but he doesn’t._

_“...You tell me that you’re hurt and you’re in pain and I can see your head is held in shame but I just wanna see you smile again…” Liam nudges his elbow against Harry’s side. “See you smile again…”_

_Liam sighs, rolling his eyes “...But don’t burn out, even if you scream and shout it’ll come back to you and I’ll be here for you.”_

_Harry’s lips stretch into a smile, looking down at the notebook as they sing the next part together. “Oh, I would carry you over fire and water for your love and I will hold you closer, hope your heart is strong enough.”_

_Liam nods, smiling. Liam stops singing, eyes focused on Harry as he carries the rest of the chorus._

_“When the night is coming down on you, we will find a way through the dark.” Harry sings, laughing softly as Liam presses a kiss to the back of his shoulder._

_“Best voice in the world.” Liam mumbles, ignoring the rest of the song and sitting his guitar down again so he can scoop Harry into his arms._

_“Yet you’re the one working towards the whole singer thing.” Harry laughs softly, falling into Liam slightly. He runs the pads of his fingers against Liam’s arms. “I’m telling you, just go on xfactor and let them do all the hard work and you just rake in the money after you win.”_

_Liam rolls his eyes, laughing softly. He presses his lips against Harry’s shoulders, “I don’t think it’s that easy, mate.”_

_“I bet you could make it that easy.” Harry turns around, wrapping his arms around Liam’s neck so he could press a kiss to his lips easily. “Most talented man in the world.”_

__

***

“Yeah, yeah. Body’s good. Can we maybe…” Harry lowers his camera and peers over it to take in the scene. “Okay. Chin down a bit, your neck is beautiful but I'm getting a shot from under your nose a bit.” Harry chuckles before ducking back behind his camera.

“That's perfect, honestly.” He takes a few shots, waits for the model to change her pose before taking a few more. 

“Okay, I think we’ll take a break and change the set up a little. Get some food. We have stuff, um, over there. If you didn't know. It's not a brilliant spread but..” Harry shrugs slight. “Do you guys want to order lunch? It's on me.” Harry smiles widely, moving his tripod out of the way so his assistants could change the lighting setup.

“You seem like you're in a good mood, Harry.” The model, Nadine, says with a smirk on her face. “What's different?”

“Nothing's different, Nadine. Can't a man just be in a good mood?”

“Harry, we've worked together for like four years. You've never been in a good mood.” She laughs, sitting on a nearby couch. 

“Haven't you ever heard models should be seen and not heard.” Harry mumbles, crossing to his desk to find his phone. 

“Haven’t you ever heard that’s sexist and it’s 2021.” 

“Actually haven’t heard that one yet, cheers.” 

Harry pushes his hair out of his face as he watches his assistants work. “We need a boom over here.” He points at the ground, “And then we’ll need totake the back light down a stop or she’ll get washed out.”

“Heyyy...”

“Go on holiday, Nadine.”

Harry steps away, deciding not to micromanage the set up for once in his life as he drops into his desk chair. “But to answer your question, nothing’s different. I’ve just had a pretty good week.”

“You got fucked, didn’t you? God. Louis was right, it did help.”

“Why do I keep working with you.”

“We’re friends, you love me.” Nadine smiles widely, dropping into Harry’s lap. “So who was it? A model?” The girl gasps. “Is it another photographer?”

“I’m not having this conversation. I haven’t.” Harry raises his eyebrows to mirror Nadine when she does the same. “I haven’t!”

“Whatever you say, Harry Styles. As long as it helps get you over the infamous ex.” Nadine stands, patting Harry’s head.

“Right, right.” Harry laughs softly, shoving Nadine a little as he stood to pull his phone out of his pocket as it started to ring. “Hello?”

“Who is it?” Nadine chimed, stepping closer to Harry again and causing him to laugh and push at her again.

“Are you busy?” Liam hummed on the other line. Harry can imagine the crease between his eyebrows.

“No, I’m not busy babe. I’ve just got an annoying model I’m working with today.” Harry rolls his eyes, sticking his tongue out towards Nadine.

“Babe?” Nadine mouthed, poking at Harry’s side because she’s a _child_.

“Oh shit, are you working? I’m sorry, I was gonna see if you wanted some lunch.”

“We just stopped for break actually, so if you wanted to stop by…” 

“Thai curry?” Liam suggests and Harry’s lips twist into a smile because that sounds perfect.

“‘Course. See you soon?”

“See you. Love you.”

“Love you.” Harry replies softly, turning his back towards Nadine so he could ignore the look on her face. 

“Who was that, then?” Nadine folds her arms across her torso and quirks her brows. “Babe? Hm.”

“Shut up, I call everyone babe. I call you babe.” Harry hisses but he laughs afterwards and shakes his head. He wasn’t hiding the fact that him and Liam were spending time together, he’s just wary about it. He’s wary about letting their friends know, about letting their families know. It’s a big deal, honestly, and it’s not like Harry and Liam are taking it slow or being smart about it this time. They’re too busy trying to make up for lost time to care about what the future holds for them. 

“You definitely don't tell me you love me.” 

“Because you're incredibly obnoxious. Has anyone told you that, love? Beautiful as all hell but annoying just the same.” Harry cracks a crooked smile and rolls his eyes playfully. 

He was lucky he had the friends that he did have in the industry. The models and other photographers that he enjoyed being around enough to make certain projects less miserable. Nadine was one of the best ones. They clicked immediately when they met in New York, some time in 2017. It was Harry’s first trip to the states for a job and she was the only model that cared enough to carry a conversation with him. It was brilliant, she definitely got the best shots because Harry’s a bit of a biased worker. One of Harry’s favorite thing about Nadine was how many times he’s been her mystery boyfriend and vice versa despite Harry being, well… Mostly Gay™ and Nadine being completely uninterested. It made it funny and they made it into a game. They just got on well. 

“You’ll meet him when he gets here, just order yourself some lunch before I make you pay for it.” 

“Fine, fine.” Nadine smiles, grabbing Harry’s card from him and making her way to the phone.

***

“Oh is that your secret crush you won't tell me more about?” Nadine smirks as the buzzer chimes at the door.

“Trust me, I probably don't have to tell you much.” Harry laughs, pushing a bit of stray hair off of his forehead only for it to fall back down. “That's more than likely who it is though, yeah.”

“Are you going to get the door? You're being a rude host.”

“He knows the code, he was just letting me know he's here.” Harry rolls his eyes slightly. “He's disgustingly polite.”

“So it's a guy.” Nadine nods like she's taking notes as she shoves a bite of her chicken salad in her mouth. “And he knows the code to your house. That I don't even know.” The girl sucks her teeth, folding her arms over her torso again. “How long have you been known him? I mean, Jesus. If four years isn't long enough to have it I'd like to know what is.”

“Try ten.” Harry smiles widely, picking a crouton off of Nadine’s salad and popping it in his mouth. “Give or take a few months, I suppose.”

Nadine’s expression changed into one of confusion, her eyebrows creasing dramatically as she stared at Harry. “It's not…” she paused, like she was wondering if she should say it. “Is it Niall? Louis always said Niall had a crush on you.”

Harry barked out a laugh, clutching at his stomach as he did. “Jesus, of course Louis would said that. No it's not my best mate, who is also a fucking married man. Imagine me and Niall having a sneak around behind his wife’s back.”

“Then who the hell-” 

“Are you having fun without me again?” Liam asked softly as he entered the studio with his arms full of take away bags. “This one… always having a laugh before I come around.” 

Harry smirked at the shocked look on Nadine’s face before leaning his head back to look at Liam as the man came to stand behind Harry.

“Hi, love.” Liam hummed, leaning down to press a quick, upside down and crooked kiss to Harry’s lips. Liam’s fingers fiddled with the stray hairs on Harry’s forehead, smoothing them into place before pressing another kiss to Harry’s forehead before placing the bag of food down on the table. 

“Christ, don’t mean to be rude, love.” Liam smiles widely, extending his hand towards Nadine. “I’m-”

“Liam Payne.” Nadine finishes for him, her eyes still wide with shock. There’s a reason Harry never told her who his ex was and that reason was the fact that this sweet angel took too long to get the hint that Harry didn't like, listen or know who Liam Payne was when they first met. She loves him.

“That's what I tell people at least. You’re Nadine, right? Haz told me about you earlier this week.”

Nadine nods, finally looking away from Liam in shock to stare at Harry. “What the hell, Styles?” She laughs, swinging her arm to hit his arm. “You didn’t tell me you knew Liam Payne!”

“For a reason, you nutter.” Harry laughs softly, sending Liam a wink while Nadine’s head was turned. “Anyway. This is Liam, obviously. He’s my, um.” Liam lets out a laugh as Harry fumbles to think of a word to describe what they were.

“We dated for awhile.” Liam finishes for him, nudging him with his elbow. 

“You’re the ex?” Nadine’s eyes blown wide before she turns to stare at Harry again. “He’s the ex?” 

“Surprise.” The boys reply in unison, smiling widely at each other afterwards.

***

__  
**November, 2016.**  


_“I heard Liam on the radio today.” Harry’s mum’s voice is soft. She knows it’s a delicate subject to bring up. She knows Harry doesn’t want to talk about it. Doesn’t even want to think about Liam._

_“That’s great, mum. Is that all you were calling about, or?”_

_“It was a really lovely song. Have you spoken to him lately? Or heard the song?”_

_Harry groaned softly, he didn’t like getting an attitude with his mother but when she pushed him like this about subjects he wanted nothing to do with it was hard. “Not since I broke up with him. And I don’t want to hear any of his songs. Why are you bringing this up to me right now.”_

_“I just thought it was a nice song.”_

_“I don’t.”_

_“Alright, Harry. Maybe you should talk to him, though. The lyrics were-”_

_“Can you stop? Can you stop calling me and bringing him up, mum? Please? I can’t have conversations like this. Liam and I broke up. We’re done. It’s over. I’m not calling him. I’m not texting him. I’m not listening to his songs on the radio. I’m never reaching out to him. He fucked up and I’m not going to excuse that and run back to him.”_

***

**To: Liam  
**  
From: Harry

 

_Did I invite you to the party on Saturday? If not, do you want to come to my party on Friday?_

**To: Harry  
From: Liam**

 

_Lol yes u did and I’ll b there_

**To: Liam  
From: Harry**

 

_Good. Good._

Harry fiddles with his phone, tossing it from hand to hand while he waits for for Liam’s next text to come through. It’s weird, choosing to interact with Liam after purposefully avoiding him for so long, but it just feels good. It feels natural, like it’s what he’s meant to be doing. It’s only been a few days since they’ve made up but Harry feels lighter, like he could float through the city without a second thought.

**To: Harry  
From: Liam**

 

_U hungry? I’m leaving the studio._

**To: Harry  
From: Liam**

 

_Figured u miss me by now_

**To: Liam  
From: Harry**

 

_I could eat but only if you admit that you’re the one that’s missing me._

Harry smiles, biting his lip as he wanders around the flat. He really ought to be doing more work today but he’s just finding it hard to focus on anything at all this week. 

**To: Harry  
From: Liam**

 

_u caught me. wanna meet @ the cafe_

**To: Harry  
From: Liam**

 

_should have specified that i meant the cafe by the old flat_

 

**To: Liam  
From: Harry**

 

_See you there, Li._

***

Harry hasn’t been in this area of London since he moved out of the flat he and Liam had shared in 2016. It’s a nice area, sort of. Full of people that had just finished Uni and were trying to get their footing in “the real world.” It’s simple, cheap, and at one point in time Harry considered this place home. He still knows the area like the back of his hand, each turn and curve in the road still linked to Harry’s muscle memory.

He turns into a small cafe, smiling widely as he remembers all the nights he camped out in a booth here when their internet would be down just so he could finish an editing job and submit it on time. And the times that Liam brought his guitar and sang for the small crowd. And the baristas that could start Harry’s usual order the moment he stepped through the door. 

It’s instant nostalgia the moment the scent of fresh baked goodies and brewed coffee hits his senses. It feels insane that he’s there to find Liam, to see him in a setting that used to mean so much to them.

“Haz!” Liam beams, standing up from the table he’d chosen to pull Harry into a hug. They’ve seen each other every single day this week and it’s only Thursday but Harry responds to Liam’s enthusiasm with the same level of his own. 

 

“Hi, baby.” Harry laughs softly, nuzzling his face into Liam’s neck and poking him with his cold nose.

“Oi, you tosser. You’re freezing.”

“It’s winter, Liam.”

“Alright, smart ass.” Liam laughs softly and takes his seat again.

“What made you pick this place?” Harry asks as he drops into the chair across from Liam. 

“Because I just really wanted the toasted halloumi burger, o’course. I’ve thought about it for five years, mate. You’ve got to just let me live my life.”

“You could have come back, Li.” Harry frowns slightly, flipping through the menu like he didn’t already know what he wanted. “I wish you had. I wish I had made you feel like you could.” 

Liam leans across the table and rests his hand against Harry’s jaw, his thumb rubbing against the skin pulled tight against his jaw. “I wouldn’t have made me feel like I could come back either, Hazza. I wish you’d stop feeling so bad about it. I don’t blame you. Stop blaming yourself.”

Harry smiles and his face around so he can press a kiss to Liam’s hand. “You’re back now, that’s all that matters.”

“Exactly.”

“And I’ve got you.”

“And I, you.” Liam pokes his finger against Harry’s nose. “And things are good, you know? We’ve like.. Sorted ourselves out or something.” Liam laughs gently, leaning back in his chair.

“Sorted ourselves out? Barely.” Harry presses his hand against his stomach as he laughs, leaning back in his chair as well to look at Liam. “A week full of snogging in my flat and ignoring calls from our mates so they don’t know we’re together. It’s like that first month we were together.” 

“Well, do you want our mates to know?”

Harry shrugs, furrowing his brows. “Do you?”

“I want you, Harry.” Liam’s smile stretches across his entire face, his eyes crinkling from it. “I want to work out everything between us and be able to call you my boyfriend again. I want to wake up and know I don’t have to miss you anymore. Mostly, I want you to want all of that.”

“I do, you know? I do want all of that. We’re not on opposite pages, it’s just gonna take a little time, I guess.”

“We’ve got time.” Liam’s smile didn’t falter, it just stayed as wide as it had started and shone brightly for Harry.

***

It falls into place somewhere after Harry’s second latte, they’ve shared their sandwiches between them and fought over the last chips now Liam’s telling Harry stories about LA and Harry’s responding with stories from home. They mumble over the fact that they had spent the same week in New York sometime in 2019 and quickly move on when Harry notices the way Liam’s mouth tugs down in the corners. Harry tells Liam about his friends, the models and musicians that he’s met in his line of work, as well as his most proud achievements: the studio, every magazine cover he’s shot, his features, the fact that he got to be a part of an Adele music video. Harry fills him in on how the dogs have been, how owning a Labradoodle and Great Dane was probably one of the dumbest ideas they had ever had together but assures Liam that he wouldn’t have traded them for anything. Then Liam tells Harry about the path he took to rediscover himself, he tells Harry about rehab and how Niall actually flew out to Los Angeles to visit him twice while he was there. Liam talks about how he came out in the middle of an interview and every member of his team sighed a breath of relief to know that Liam was finally letting himself be a little more free. It’s the deep, meaningful conversation that Harry’s been wanting to have with Liam for years. Hours pass and the sun starts its nightly descend in the sky before the pair even start to think about heading out, their stomachs and hearts completely full.

“I hate that I have to say this but I was supposed to run back to the studio before seven and it’s six forty-two.” Liam sighs, resting his chin in his hand. “And it’s a thirty minute ride.”

Harry frowns, sticking his bottom lip out into a pretty extreme pout. “I guess I shouldn’t keep you from working.” He looks around, notices the light slowly diminishing from outside and laughs. “I can’t believe it got so late so fast.” He says with a smile. “I guess it just really felt like old times.”

“Yeah.. Hey, why don’t you come to the studio with me? I only have to do some small stuff. Just mixing the new tracks and putting finishing touches on them. It could be fun and you could get an exclusive sneak peek at the album before anyone else not working on it.” Liam drops his hand on the table, palm up so he can wiggle his fingers for Harry’s attention.

“Hm.” Harry slides his hand into Liam’s, tapping his fingertips against Liam’s palm. “I could probably do that. I mean, I guess. Whatever.” Harry’s cheeks dimple as he looks over at Liam, who’s smile is mirroring his own. 

“Come on, then. I’ll call a car.”

***

Liam’s wrong, it takes forty-five minutes to get to the studio but neither of them seem to mind the length of the car ride since they spent it all over each other. Harry almost feels bad for the driver, who cleared his throat several times like he was trying to beg them to stop groping each other in his back seat. It didn’t work, of course, and Harry nearly got Liam off just from his hand on the outside of his trousers alone.

Harry laughs as he climbs out of the car first, paying the driver with a large tip for just simply dealing with what happened in the car. Liam blushes slightly and adjusts himself as he mutters an apology to the man behind the wheel and climbs out to join Harry on the curb.

“That was eventful.” Liam laughs, pressing a kiss to Harry’s temple.

“Yes, but I fear it was quite anti-climactic. You know?”

Liam lets out a loud, boisterous laugh and wraps his arm around Harry’s waist so he could lead him around to the back entrance of the studio. “You are something else, Styles. Absolutely, completely, something else.”

“Ah, you used to like that about me.” Harry replies cooly, leaning into Liam’s side.

“I never said I didn’t still.” Liam presses another kiss to Harry’s head, followed by a few more just because he can do that now. He can wrap his arms around Harry and kiss on him all he wants without Harry protesting or pushing him away. Liam can show the affection he feels. Harry can accept it. 

“LIAM!” There’s a random voice shouting, then a few more join in to form some crazy loud chorus chant of Liam’s name. 

It’s Harry’s first instinct to hide, he ducks a bit behind Liam and uses his larger frame to shield himself from the crowd rushing towards them. He’s experienced this before, being approached by fans and paparazzi, while hanging out with his friends but something about this moment feels more intense. 

“Liam! I waited all day for you! Can I have a picture please?” A fan barely younger than them asks.

“Liam! Smile, Liam! Are you happy to be back in London? What’s your next album going to sound like?” Paparazzi shout.

“Liam! I can’t believe I’m meeting you!”

“LIAM! Who’s your friend? Liam!”

“Can you sign this? Please? Liam It’s my birthday.”

"Please can I have a picture?" 

“Liam! Smile! Why such a serious face!”

“Liam!”

“Liam!”

“Liam!”

Harry feels like he’s going to pass out. He expects Liam to pull away from him in a haste but Liam just turns and wraps his arm around Harry better, his body shielding Harry from the camera flashes as he rushes them towards the door to the studio. 

“Move.” Liam mumbles into Harry’s ear. “Move, let’s go. Come on, we have to go.” 

The door shuts behind him before Harry can figure out what’s happening and suddenly they’re in a dark corridor and Liam’s panting a bit as he rubs a comforting hand against Harry’s back.

 

“Fuck, Haz.” Liam pulls away now, leaning against the wall across from Harry. “I’m sorry, I thought if we came around back it’d be better. I didn’t think…”

“It’s okay, I just-” Harry takes a deep breath and composes himself. He straightens up his shirt and smoothes his hair. “I hate paparazzi. Every time I get caught up in a paparazzi mob I nearly have a panic attack. They’re so annoying.” Harry lets out a soft laugh. “The fans are fine, though. You should go back out there and take some pictures with them.” 

“I will but they’re probably already tweeted that I’m here so more are going to come.” Liam furrows his brows slightly and pushes back off the wall so he can wrap Harry up in a hug. “I can’t believe you’re going to be my mystery brunette written about in tabloids now.”

“I’ll get identified before I’m even given the chance to achieve my dream of being your mystery brunette.” 

“Fucking hell.” Liam groans, throwing his head back as he paces away from Harry, then back, then away.

“What?” Harry’s concerned, his eyes focusing on Liam’s face as he tries to read him. “What’s wrong?”

With a bitter laugh, Liam shakes his head and pauses his movements to look over at Harry. “Louis.” He says simply. 

Harry groans.

Louis.

***

**@PEOPLEMAG** : Liam Payne spotted hurrying Mystery Brunette into studio? Find out more: http://people.com/ajgid

 **@TMZ** : Liam Payne photographed cuddling a mysterious brunette in alley behind studio: http://tmz.com/ulkfi

 **@LiamUpdates** : LIAM MET FANS AT THE STUDIO TODAY IN LONDON!

 **@LiamUpdates** : Guys, please don’t go to the studio Liam’s working in now. He met fans hours ago and probably doesn’t want to get swarmed.

 **@LiamUpdates** : He was also with someone but the photos haven’t all been released so we don’t know who it is. People are already saying it’s some girl.

 **@TessPetunia** : You guys are so stupid it was NOT some girl. Liam’s GAY!! Stop trying to push hetero stories LMAO I was literally there today.

 **@TessPetunia** : Me @dalethecow @hollybrady @teaganC and @melaniedes were the fans he met and the pictures you’re all seeing! So trust me!

 **@TessPetunia** : Liam was with a guy with short brown hair LOL he dfeinitely looked familiar but Liam rushed him inside really fast before he came back out to take pictures. 

**@LiamUpdates** : Fans and other sources claim Liam was entering the studio with @Harry_Styles but we’re still waiting for the hq pictures!

 **@TessPetunia** : YEAH IT WAS HARRY STYLES!! HE’S FRIENDS WITH CARA DELIVINGIEG AND THEM 

**@TessPetunia** : when I met Cara last year Harry was with her and he was the NICEST guy! He’s a photographer omg maybe they’re working together for a shoot? It didn’t seem like that though *eyeemoji*

 **@LiamUpdates** : .@TessPetunia did he have a camera bag?

 **@TessPetunia** : @LiamUpdates no, he didn’t have anything with him. They were honestly really intimate with each other. I don’t think there’ll be that many pap pictures but before my friend screamed -

 **@TessPetunia** : @LiamUpdates - her head off at Liam they were walking down the alley and hanging all over each other. I wonder who it is!

 **@LiamPay4ever** : Omg Liamand that Harry guy FOLLOWED each other on IG and TWITTER this week…. How did we miss this.

 **@AngelicLJP** : I wonder how they met

 **@LJPetal** : They probably just have mutual friends.

 **@TessPetunia** : If no one else is going to, I’ll start the rumor. @REAL_LIAM_PAYNE AND @HARRY_STYLES ARE DATING.

 **@Louis_WTomlinson** : You’ve no idea how right you are. RT “ **@LJPetal** : They probably just have mutual friends.”

 **@Harry_Styles** : Yeesh.

 **@Real_Liam_Payne** : RT “ **@Harry_Styles** : Yeesh.”

 **@NiallHoran** : Did everybody try the chicken

***

“I don’t want to answer it.” Harry tosses the phone back to Liam, who nearly drops it but catches it at the last moment.

“Well I don’t either!”

“Liam! It’s YOUR mother.”

“Yes but she’s calling about YOU.” Liam tosses the phone again and now it’s Harry’s turn to fumble with it. Except in the midst of trying to catch it, Harry’s thumb slides against the button to answer the call and all of a sudden he’s staring down at a connected call to Liam’s mother.

“Hi, Karen. Ah. Long time.” Harry says, cooly. He’s trying to keep his breathing regulated as he glares at Liam, who is now doubled over with a laugh across the room.

“Harry Styles? I can’t believe it’s true.”

“‘Fraid so, love. I hope you weren’t calling Li to complain.” Harry chews on his lip a bit and presses the phone even closer to his ear to stop his hand from trembling as much.

“Absolutely not. No, never, Harry! Oh, honestly. I had hoped something like this would come of him working down there but he doesn’t tell me anything!” Harry can hear it in Karen’s voice that she’s nearly crying. It makes his throat feel thick and he has to cough to clear it. 

“I’ll make sure he calls you more, love. I’m really glad I got to talk to you for a moment and I hate to say it but I’ve got to run off of here. We’re.. Well.. a bit swamped with calls right now.” Harry lets out a dry laugh and squeezes his eyes shut. “Tell you what, how about after I talk to my mum we plan a whole fry up for next week sometime? I’m sure you ladies need to do some catching up as well. I’d love to see you. And Geoff. How about it?”

“Oh, Harry. That sounds so lovely. How about I talk to your mother about it so we can properly plan it out.

“Cheers, love. Talk soon? Okay. Bye.” Harry hangs up and tosses Liam his phone. “You’re talking to Louis for that one.”

“No. Babe. No. Come on. It was my mum.”

Harry crosses his arms and raises his eyebrows. “I didn’t ask who it was. I said, you’re talking to Louis for that one.”

“Harry! Baby. Please. He likes you more, always has. What if I call Niall? I’ll call Niall right now before they even get the chance to call us.” Liam pleads, frowning and slowly closing the distance between them. “Don’t make me look into the devil’s face like that.”

“Excuse me, Liam Payne?” Louis’ voice pierces the air, coming from Harry’s front door where he obviously used his spare key to let himself in without so much as a warning. “First of all. You’re both talking to me. Right now. Sit down.” 

Liam looks from Louis to Harry then back again before slowly making his way to Harry’s couch and drops down onto it.

“Styles. I said both.” Louis folds his arms over his chest and nods towards the couch until Harry follows in Liam’s footsteps. “I can’t believe you two!” He starts, his voice loud but not quite angry. Harry thinks he’s more surprised than anything. “Sneaking behind our backs? Lying to us about where you’ve been? I would expect this from Liam but you, Harry? I’ve grown to expect better.”

“Louis, I-” Harry starts but Louis holds up his hand and interrupts him.

“No. No. You could have told me! I’m your best friend! I found out on twitter. From Liam Payne update accounts for Christ’s sake! And You.” Louis points towards Liam. “I’m the only reason he gave your arse another chance. You think it was just coincidence that he knew exactly what to look for to feel guilty enough to call you? Wrong! That was me.”

“It’s true.” Harry mumbles, feeling a new level of guilty for hiding this week long tryst from their friends. 

“I didn’t even get to enjoy the fruit of my labor before the whole bleedin’ world found out. Not fair, innit?” Louis places his hands on his hip, narrowing his eyes at both of them. “Now that I’ve got that scolding out of the way I just want to say that I’m happy for you two. You idiots.”

“What?” Liam and Harry say at the same time, their facial expressions confused.

“I’m happy for you. Come on. You must know I would be?” Louis smiles, his entire body softening with it, as he crosses the room and sits in a chair near them. “Of course I’m happy for you. You’re two of my best mates. And, Niall told me I couldn’t yell at you guys so I have to soften the scolding so you don’t tell on me.”

Liam smiles and stands up, moving to Louis so he can pull him into a hug. “Lou still loves me, Harry. Did you hear him? Has barely talked to me in five years and I’m still his best mate.”

“Oh, bloody christ get off of me, you sap. Harry get him off of me.” Louis laughs, barely pretending to struggle while hugging Liam back.

“No way.” Harry laughs softly, shaking his head as he pulls his camera out to take a photo of the whole thing.

***

“Liam! You came!” Harry slings his arm over Liam’s shoulders, pulling him in for a lopsided hug. Maybe he was a little drunk, but it was his birthday party. Harry loves birthday parties.

Liam’s hands find Harry’s waist, giving him a gentle squeeze. “Of course, Haz. Why would I spend the whole week with you and not come to your birthday party?” Liam laughs and presses a kiss against Harry’s temple. 

“I didn't knooooooooow” Harry wrinkles his nose. “Do you want a drink? We have tons of stuff. Whatever stuff you want. There's a whole bar. Open bar.” Harry laughs- giggles, then hiccups as he pulls away. “Not that you couldn't buy a drink. Mr. Liam Payne.”

“Alright, babe? You've had quite a bit, haven't you?” Liam laughs, keeping his hands on Harry’s waist to steady him. It feels familiar, Harry wrapping himself around Liam in the middle of a party and Liam using his large hands to help keep Harry from tumbling over. 

“Better than ever, Li! It's my birthday party! Let’s have fun!” Harry tugs at Liam’s arm, leading him further into the venue. It's quite star studded, Liam barely stands out among the other guest. Adele’s there, sipping a glass of whiskey in the corner with Harry’s mum chatting away as if they're old friends. Models, record label executives, actors. Harry’s life was just as star studded as Liam’s. It as a little insane they had managed to not cross paths prior to now. 

It’s odd for Harry to be hand in hand with Liam, wading through a crowd and not seeing faces from University when he looks around. Other than their mishap with a paparazzi outing them while they grabbed food together, this is the first time they’re being seen together. This is the first bit of affection they’ve let anyone see from them in five years. It’s something Harry convinced himself a long time ago would never happen but it is happening. It's happening and it's happening now and it's happening in front of a hundred or so people that Harry’s made connections to after Liam left his life. 

“Harry, I gotta talk to you about something actually.”

“Leeeeeeeeyummmmmm,” Harry drawls, his fringe falling into his eyes a bit. “It can wait, yeah?”

Liam opens his mouth to talk, to push Harry to stop and focus on what he's trying to say. 

Harry interrupts. “I have to go talk to Jeff. I'll be right back! Get a drink!”

Harry pulls Liam in a little closer and presses a sloppy kiss right to his lips. “I’ll be right back! I promise!

***

Liam finds Harry half an hour later, the long parts of his hair pulled into a tiny, tiny bun on the very top of his head like he got tired of it falling into his face as he bounced around the dance floor.

“Liam! I've been looking for you everywhere!”

“Is that so? You didn't seem to be looking for me when you were throwing shapes with Nick Grimshaw.” Liam laughs softly, wetting his lips with his tongue as he pulls Harry to him. 

“I got distracted.” Harry wrinkles his nose and nudges it against Liam’s gently. “Was really looking for you, though. You had something to tell me.”

“I did. Don't have to do it now though, think we should just have some fun for your birthday.”

“Finally. That's my Liam.” Harry laughs, pressing a quick kiss to Liam’s lips.

“God. I thought I was done havin’ t’see all that.” Louis groans, arriving late because of something he’s blaming Niall for. “Disgustin’”

“Aw,” Niall chimes, tossing his arm around Louis’ shoulder. “I think it's sweet. Like t’ whole gang is together again.” Niall makes kissy noises at Louis, to which Louis leaned away from with a feigned look of disgust on his face. 

“Ignore Louis, you guys. I'm glad you've got to reconnect. It was a bit pathetic watching you both the last few years.”

“Now that's something we can agree on, love.” Louis presses a kiss to Niall’s cheek. It’s so comfortable between the four of them. It’s always been like that.

“Yeah, I'm glad too.” Liam mumbles, securing his arm around Harry’s waist. “Been the best week of my life. Could have been longer but this one really avoided me pretty well.”

“Could have been longer,” Harry starts, his eyes rolling slightly “but this one abandoned me for five years.” There’s no tension in his voice, not anymore. If you were to talk to him a week ago you’d be able to hear the hostility still. You’d be able to feel it. Harry leans into Liam to assure him that it’s in the past. 

“Anyway. It’s about time you lot showed up here. Come on, let’s do shots. It’s the first birthday I’ve celebrated with everyone in years. If not a shot for me, then a shot for the nostalgia of it all.” Harry turns to the bar and waves down the bartender who pours out four shots and slides them towards the group of boys. 

“For the nostalgia.” Louis repeats as he picks up the shot and raises it in the air. 

“The nostalgia!” The all chime back, raising their shots to the air before hammering them back.

***

“You're so strong.” Harry hiccups and leans his head against Liam’s shoulder. “You haven't carried me in so long.” He sighs dreamily, giggling after wards as he practically melts into Liam’s arms.

Liam chuckles and adjusts the way he’s holding Harry. “We’ve been through this twice tonight, petal. I haven't had the chance to carry you in awhile.” There's an entire flight of stairs left until Liam can sit Harry down but he doesn't even seem fazed right now. “You're so drunk, god. This reminds me of uni.” Liam presses a kiss to Harry’s head as he takes the stairs two at a time. 

“Back then it was both of us dragging Louis back to the flat.” Harry hiccups again, laughing after.

“I did my fair share of dragging you back too, Hazza. Don't think I forget 2013. Peeling you off a bathroom floor only for you to puke all over us both before we made it back home.”

“I enjoy a drink, Liam Payne.”

“I know, baby.” Liam smiles slightly as he moves Harry around so his long legs could wrap around Liam’s waist while Liam fumbled with the keys to the apartment. “Trust me, I know.”

Harry hiccups and closes his eyes, “I'm sorry. I forgot you don't drink. I'm a bad boyfriend.”

“Boyfriend?” Liam quirks his eyebrow. “Wow, Harry Styles. Are you asking me out?”

“Shut up.” Harry leans back, looking Liam in the face with a wide and dopey smile. “Maybe I am. I'm always the one having to ask after all.”

Liam stretches his neck slightly, catching Harry’s lips in a kiss. “Yes.”

“Yes? Yes, what?”

“Yes.” Liam kisses him again before lowering him down onto the couch. 

Silence falls between them as they kiss, Harry’s confusion dying down each time their lips touch. It’s them. Them. Them. Them. 

It’s been them since 2010. It’s still them. It's going to say them.

***

“Hullo?” Harry mumbles into the phone, mouth full of the sandwich he just shoved in. To be fair, it’s lunch time. He’s been working since 6am and hadn’t been able to grab breakfast before running off to the location of the shoot he’s on today. So pardon his manners, but he’s fucking hungry.

“Harry?” Liam’s voice sounds confused and Harry laughs the almost chokes on the bite of food he’s frantically trying to chew and swallow.

“Yeah, mate. Sorry. Lunch break.” Harry talks a little clearer, then swallows the large bite and coughs a little to clear his throat. “Hey, Li.”

“Still working then?”

“Uh, yeah. Why? What’s up?”

“Nothing, I’m at the flat with the dogs just hanging out. Bored. Missing you.”

Harry rolls his eyes with a smile stretching across his face. “Get a job, Liam.”

“I have one, unfortunately.”

“Have you finished up that last song, yet?”

“Yeah.” Liam pauses for a moment but Harry can hear him sigh. “Yeah, it’s finished.” 

“What’s wrong?” Harry sits his sandwich down and leans back in his chair, all of his attention narrowing down on Liam.  
“Just tired.” Liam laughs softly and it’s enough to ease Harry’s heart of worry.

“Alright, good. Hey. I have to finish eating so I can get back to work but I’ll be home in like four hours, I think.”

“Love you.”

“Love you back.”

***

Harry pushes the door open to his flat and clambers in, awkwardly trying to get his shoes off as he does. He’s just glad to be home since his day went way longer than planned. His back ached, his head was kind of sore, he was hungry. It was just… a long day and nothing felt better after a long day than kicking your shoes off literally immediately after entering your home.

He drops his bag next to his shoes and pets each of his dogs on the head as he makes his way into his apartment. “Liam? Are you still here?” He heads through the living room, then kitchen and then down the hall towards his bedroom where he finds Liam pacing back and forth across the floor while mumbling softly into his cell phone. 

“Li?” Harry says just loud enough to get Liam’s attention and offers him a smile.

Liam holds up a finger and quirks his lips just enough to be considered a smirk before turning away from Harry and staring out of Harry’s bedroom window. “I can’t do that, Marcel. I genuinely..” Liam takes a deep breath. “I know there’s not other choices but- listen I really just...” Liam glances over his shoulder at Harry and tries another smile, this one bigger and showing Liam’s teeth, before turning back towards the window. “Alright. Yeah, I get it. Um. Give me a few days, mate. Yeah. Bye.” Liam shoves his phone into his back pocket and turns towards Harry again, smiling widely and holding his arms out to scoop the man into a hug. “Hey, babe.”

Harry relaxes into Liam’s arms, draping his arms around Liam’s neck. “Hi. Who was that on the phone?” He raises his eyebrows slightly and nudges his nose against Liam’s nose before moving in for a kiss.

“Just someone from my label. Work talk and all that.” Liam hums after they kiss, his fingers dipping under Harry’s shirt to press into the dimples at the small of Harry’s back.

“Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Just talking about having to go back into the studio to sort some things out.” Liam shrugs, pulling away from the hug. He jogs across the room to Harry’s wardrobe and pulls out a sweatshirt to throw on.  
Harry’s eyebrows furrow. He knows there’s something else, something that Liam’s not telling him. They’ve spent the last three weeks with each other, locked away in Harry’s flat or the studio Liam was working in and not only that, but Harry knows Liam better than anyone else could ever know him. He can tell when something’s off, when Liam’s not being completely honest about something. It hurts a bit. It makes a knot start to form in the pit of Harry’s stomach because he can remember still, so vividly, the way it felt to have Liam start pulling away from him the last time it happened and this behavior is all too familiar right now.

“Are you sure? Because I can tell there’s something off.”

“It’s just stressful making an album, Haz. Don’t fret right now, okay?” Liam crosses to him and presses a quick kiss against his forehead. “Do you want to go out for dinner tonight? We can talk about it more over food.”

Harry shrugs, nodding at the same time because he can’t decide how he feels right now. “Sure, Li. Let me jump in the shower.” Harry smiles, wrapping his arms around Liam’s waist for a short hug before pulling away and grabbing a fresh outfit from his wardrobe.

***

Harry pushes the pasta on his plate around and rests his chin in his hand. It’s quiet between them. It was quiet on the ride over. Harry thinks it might be quiet when they leave, too. He doesn’t know what’s happening, what’s on Liam’s mind or why Liam can’t just come out and tell him. Harry just knows that something is wrong. Something is off and the knot in his stomach keeps twisting tighter and tighter the longer Liam drags it out.

“So…” Liam starts, taking a bite of his chicken. 

“Can you just tell me what you want to talk about? It’s been two weeks since you told me that you had something to tell me and you still haven’t told me. I’m losing my mind, Liam. Did I do something?”

“What?” Liam almost chokes on his bite of food as he tries to swallow it. “No, Harry. No. Oh my god. You haven’t done anything at all. I’ve just-” Liam sighs and sits his fork down. “I’ve just been trying to figure out how and when to tell you.”

“Are you pregnant?” Harry tries, a bit desperately, to ease the mood.

“No.”

“Am _I_ pregnant?”

“Harry.”

“Sorry.”

Liam groans slightly, rubbing his hands against his face. “I have to leave, Haz.”

“What?” Harry sits his fork down too so he can fold his arms across his torso. “Right now?”

“No, I mean-” Liam leans back in his chair, looking down at his plate like he’s incapable of making eye contact with Harry right now. “I have to go back to California.”

“Okay?” Harry’s confused, Liam was always going to go back to California to finish the album. This isn’t news but maybe Liam thought that Harry hadn’t came to that conclusion on his own. “Is that it?”

“Harry-” Liam furrows his brows like he’s getting frustrated. Like Harry isn’t understanding something. “It’s not just work stuff, I have to go home. I have to finish the album and start on promo and-”

“Home?” It hurts. Probably more than it should, but it still hurts to hear Liam call something so far away from where Harry was, home. 

“-I’ve already been here longer than I was supposed to because of us. It’s been almost two months. I was supposed to finish after two weeks here. We’re supposed to have a single by April and it’s already March.” 

“Wow.” Harry clears his throat and look away from Liam finally, staring down at his full plate of pasta. The knot twists again. “Well. Sorry that I wasted so much of your time then, Liam.” 

“Harry, no. No, that’s not what I’m saying…”

“That’s what it sounds like, Li.” Harry swallows thickly as he pulls his phone out of his pocket and opens up the app to call for a car. “So, just go then. Go back to LA. Go home. Finish your album. Release a single.” He slides his chair back and stands up, suddenly wanting to be anywhere but right where he was standing. He was too close to Liam and surrounded by too many eyes. Harry can feel his heart about to beat out of his chest, like a panic attack could be on its way if he let himself get any more upset. “I’m going back to my flat.”

“Harry…” Liam stands too but Harry’s already moving. Harry’s already crossing the restaurant, weaving between waiters and tables until he’s finally able to push through the exit and stumble into the cool spring air. 

“Harry, come on!” Liam chases after him, of course he does because Liam doesn’t know how to take no as an answer from Harry. “I wasn’t saying that, Haz. Come on, you know that.” Liam reaches out for Harry only to have his hand slapped away. 

“Liam, I’m not going to fight with you right now. I just want to go home by myself.” Harry hears the shutter before he sees the paparazzi. They don’t have a flash on, it wouldn’t be useful with how far away they are. Harry makes eye contact with the camera, knowing that the poorly hidden man could see them clearly with the telephoto lens he was using. 

“Harry, let’s go somewhere more private we can talk.” Liam must have heard it too, or maybe he’s just trying to take precautionary actions but either way it was too late. They’ve already been seen. Harry didn’t care anymore.

“No, Liam. Why? Are you back to hiding me, too? Back to LA, back to pretending we aren’t together.”

“You know that’s not true! Harry, you’re so difficult sometimes.” Liam groans and grabs Harry’s arm, pulling him closer. “I’m trying to ask you to come with me, idiot. Come to LA with me. I have more than enough room for you and our dogs.”

“What?” Harry pulls his arm away, hearing the shutter click again. “You want me to move to Los Angeles?”

“Well, yeah? It’d be great, Hazza. We could be together for real and I can finish all this work and-”

“What about my work, Liam? I’m based in London. I have…” Harry shakes his head and takes a step away from Liam. “I have bookings and projects that I need to be in the city for. I can’t leave the bloody country and move halfway across the world. Why don’t you ever think about me?”

“How am I not thinking about you, Harry? I’m always thinking about you. I’ve been thinking about you for five fucking years. I never stop thinking about you.” Liam raises his voice, stepping into Harry’s space every time Harry moves away from him.

“No, Liam. I’m so stupid. This entire thing was about you. All of it. All of it is what you wanted. You’ve never cared about what I wanted. What I needed.”

“Haz, that’s not true. You know it’s not true. I am thinking about you, so maybe right now it’s not the best time for you to come. That’s fine.”

Harry hears the shutter again as he steps away from Liam. 

“My offer still stands. Move with me. Come with me. Be with me.”  
Harry shakes his head, “No. Liam. No.This.. Whatever this was-” Harry waves his hand between them, feeling sad and defeated. “-it was fun but we should have know it wouldn’t last. Just go back to LA. I’ll see you around. Or not. Who knows.”

“Harry…” Liam sounds just as defeated as Harry feels, his voice weak and tired as it barely raises above the wind whipping against Harry’s face. “Harry. Come with me. We can take our time and figure it out. This doesn’t have to be it.”

“It does, Liam.”

“Why! Why does this have to be the end of it? Five years, _five years_ , I waited until I could be someone you deserved again to come back because we weren’t over and I knew it. You knew it. This isn’t the end either, Harry. We can figure it out. We just got back to ourselves.”

“Why didn’t you ask me then?”

“What?”

“Why didn’t you ask me to go with you in 2016? Why did you leave me behind so easily, Liam?” Harry can feel the tears stinging in his eyes and suddenly it feels like he’s twenty-two, watching the love of his life leave him all over again. 

“Harry we were so young…”

“We were twenty-two. We had been together for five years, Liam. Why didn’t you try for me?”

“I didn’t know how.” Liam steps towards him again but Harry pushes against his chest to keep the distance spread. 

“No, Liam. It’s done, yeah? We had fun and it was good to see you again. I’m going home.”

Harry turns to walk away from Liam, squeezing his eyes shut because he refuses to turn around and look back at him. He refuses to be the one walked away from again. Harry can barely hear what Liam’s shouting after him, all he knows is that Liam one again isn’t fighting for him.

***

**From: Liam  
**  
To: Harry

i leaving in 2 days. I’ll come back. I’ll come back and find u and we’ll fix it

**From: Liam  
To: Harry**

Pls give me a chance to fix it and figure everytihng out

**From: Liam  
To: Harry**

I love you so much Harry.

***

****  
  
_TMZ: POPSTAR LIAM PAYNE HAS ROW WITH RECENT FLAME OUTSIDE RESTAURANT_  
 __

_Liam Payne and his celebrity photographer fling, Harry Styles, were caught having a bit of an argument outside of a London restaurant this past Thursday, March 4th. Sources from the restaurant didn’t have any comments to add to what the argument could have been about but the photos look to be quite heated._

_While unconfirmed by Payne or his people, TMZ caught photos of the pair as they snugggled in the back alley behind a studio a few weeks ago. Many fans have reached out to Payne on twitter for answers as well as scouring through his instagram for clues on if this had been a reoccurring thing. Many believe the rumors that the two were dating based off of their findings, photos of hands intertwined with tattoos that seem to match up with those that Payne and Styles sport, a few instagrams on Harry’s account of Liam in the studio and of course, the interaction on twitter the day of their first round of paparazzi photos seemed to be enough for most fans._

_Whether they’re together or apart, we do hope the fight’s resolved shortly._

***

“Have you talked to Liam?” Louis asks as he fills the electric kettle and sets it down on the counter. He moves around the bar, wiping it down as he does so. It’s not a big pub, maybe large enough to hold a couple hundred people without having the police shut them down, but Harry has always thought it’s perfect. Maybe because he watched it grow into what it is now. Harry watched it go from being just an idea that Niall and Louis had in their minds to something that actually brought in their income throughout the last few years. Harry still wasn’t used to it though, having his friends be successful business owners with significant others and children. They have their own families, something that Harry’s realizing he’ll never get.

“No.” Harry responds simply, dropping his eyes down to the empty tea cup sitting near him. “Why would I talk to Liam?” 

Louis hums softly like he’s trying to be careful with his words while still pushing Harry in the direction that he so desperately needs pushed. Louis’ always been good for that. He knows when to stop and leave Harry be and he knows when Harry needs to be advised to go a certain direction. Louis’ always been the diplomatic one in their friendship. Always the one to have Harry’s back. 

“Because it’s been two weeks since he left and I know that you miss him.” Louis leans down and shuffles through a drawer for a moment then drops a tea strainer in front of Harry before moving to grab a tin of English Breakfast so he can spoon it into a tea pot.

“I don’t miss him. He left and that’s fine. “

“You’re sitting in a closed pub asking for a cuppa because you can’t stand being in your flat since you think your duvet still smells like him.” Louis lets out a quiet laugh as he pours the hot water over the tea leaves. “You miss him.”

“I’m here because it’s my best mate’s pub and you’ve just closed it down and-” Harry takes a deep breath. It falls quiet between them, just Louis whistling slightly while he cleans down the counters and leaves Harry alone with his thoughts. Harry clears his throat. “And I miss him, Lou. I miss him so much. I’m so stupid. I’m so fucking stupid.” Harry drops his head. “I don’t know why I pushed him away like that.”

“Y’got scared.” Niall chimes, pushing through the door that leads to the kitchen with his hands full of clean dishes. “Just like you got scared five years ago.”

“Niall.” Louis spits, conveying all that he needs to convey with the tone of his voice.

“No, Lou. He needs t’hear it, mate.” Niall sits down the tray of dishes and leans against the counter as Louis pours Harry’s cup of tea. 

“He’s right. I do.” Harry sighs and leans over the counter, resting his head flat on the surface. 

“Y’get scared, Harry. Y’get scared and y’try to protect y’self but you just hurt y’self in the process and y’don’t really think abou’ who else you’re hurtin’.”

“I know. I know. I know.” Harry lifts his head then drops it back against the counter. Then repeats it. Then again. 

“Drink up.” Louis hums, adding a spoon of sugar to Harry’s tea despite the fact he usually takes it without any sweetening. 

“Add some whiskey.” Niall suggests, stacking cups in the counter. “He needs some courage.”

“I’m not addin’ whiskey.” Louis laughs, pushing the cup towards Harry. “But I will keep the cup full.” He said gently, patting Harry on the shoulder before moving to help Niall with putting things away. “And I will suggest that you call him.”

“I’ll dial.” Niall adds, laughing softly when Harry groans.

“I can’t, guys. I can’t.”

“Then do better.” Louis looks over his shoulder and offers Harry a wide smile

***

****  
  
_august, 2016 ___  
 __  
 __  
 __  
“Why do I miss him?”

___“Because you love him, mate.” Niall chimes from Harry’s sofa. He’s stretched out with a packet of crisps and not doing the best job at being the supportive mate through the break up. It’s only been about a week but with Liam’s birthday so close, Harry can’t help but have him on his mind constantly._ _ _

___“I shouldn’t.”_ _ _

___“Who told ye’ that?” Niall sits up straight and holds the back of crisps out to offer Harry some, Harry shakes his head._ _ _

___“I told myself that.” Harry folds his arms across his chest and stares across the room at nothing. “And Louis agrees with me.”_ _ _

___“So, Louis told ya. Makes sense. All you had t’say.” Niall lays back again. “Have you thought about, I dunno. Calling Liam? You’ve had him on silent treatment for like six days. Trust me. I haven’t heard th’ end of it.” Niall rolls his eyes._ _ _

___“No. I’m not going to call him, Niall. It’s over with us. He…” Harry sighs and sinks into his chair. “He shouldn’t get another chance. We’re done.”_ _ _

___“Then why do you miss him?”_ _ _

___“You can’t do that.”_ _ _

___ _

___“Do what?”_ _ _

___“Answer my question by asking the same question. It’s not fair. I don’t know why I miss him. Maybe my heads just fucked up. Maybe I’m not used to being single. I haven’t been in so long. I just need to get out there and live my life.”_ _ _

___Niall laughs softly. “That’s what you want? To just forget about him? Not give him a chance to get to the root of the problem and fix it like he desperately wants to?”_ _ _

___“If he desperately wanted to then he’d fight harder.”_ _ _

___“Harry. Seriously? How hard can he fight? Do you want him to fly back home because you’re having a row? Drop all the hard work he’s doing to come here? Because that’s about the only thing he’s not trying right now and honestly, if you have any advice I can give him on gettin’ you back that I can tell him then please let me know. I’m tired of him textin’ an’ askin’ me.”_ _ _

___“Stop, Ni. It’s not funny.”_ _ _

___“Look, I’m just trying to be both of y’mates. I love you. I love Liam. I know that you love Liam and Liam loves you. I’m trying to help.”_ _ _

___“You aren’t.” Harry sighs and rubs at his eyes. “I don’t know what could help, Ni. I love him, I do. But… He’s too far away.”_ _ _

___Niall just nods and puts another chip in his mouth. “I just think you should try to call him sometime. Take your time with it. Give it another week. Text him for his birthday. Call him before you fall asleep in a month if you still feel like you’re missing him. It’ll be good for ya.”_ _ _

___“Yeah. Maybe.”_ _ _

___“Do you think you’ll do it?”_ _ _

___“I don’t think I can.”_ _ _

_____ _

***

“Check your email.”

“What? Louis it’s like two a.m.” Harry mumbles as he rubs his sleepy eyes. He’s only been asleep for about an hour and a half but that’s the best bit of sleep in his opinion.

“Yeah. Six p.m. in the Cali. Now get up and check your email.” Louis hangs up before Harry can say anything else so Harry just drops his arm and lets out a loud groan.

He can hear the dogs outside of his bedroom door immediately, sniffling at the cracks like they’re trying to check to make sure everything’s okay in there. “Oi, I’m fine you lot. Go back to bed.” He raises his voice slightly, throwing his duvet off of him so he can climb out of bed and saunter through the dark room to find his laptop.

Harry picks it up and drops back onto his bed as he opens the screen, wincing at the brightness before quickly jabbing the button to turn it down. He opens his web browsers, logs into his email and scrolls through about fifteen new emails before he finds one sent from Louis only five minutes prior. It just contains a link. One link. Harry clicks it and sits the laptop down on the bed next to him, adjusting his body so he’s sitting more comfortably while the link loads.

It takes his breath out of him when it does because all Harry sees is Liam staring back at him. For a second he thinks it’s a YouTube video like they used to record in Uni when Liam had new songs to post but Harry leans in a little and realizes this isn’t anything like that. It’s some streaming site for some American radio station. Harry doesn’t know it personally, he just turns the brightness back up on his computer. Then the volume too.

~”Uh, Hi.” Liam laughs and Harry’s heart sinks. “I’m Liam and I haven’t done something like this in a really long time. But I also haven’t released an album in a pretty long time so I wanted to do something special for the single release.” He pulls a guitar onto his lap. “I hope you all like it so far. It was actually the very last song I wrote for the album but it felt the most special to me. The most important. I’ve never finished a song in a single day but this one just came together.” Liam laughs again and looks down at his guitar, letting out a content sigh. “This is called Need the Sun to Break and it’s a special song written about a special person that’s managed to be my muse for over ten years.” Liam smiles at the camera. “I hope you guys let him know about it somehow.”

Liam strums and takes a deep breath “I’m half-way gone. Sleepless, I’m battleworn.” He takes in another breath, his singing a little shaky either from nerves or emotion. “You’re all I want, so bring me the dawn… I need the sun to break, you’ve woken up my heart, I’m shaking, all my luck could change. Been in the dark for weeks and I’ve realized you’re all I need and I hope that I’m not too late.” Liam croons, his eyes falling shut as he sings the lyrics. “I hope I’m not too late.

Harry can feel his heart pounding in his finger tips as they tremble, he places them firmly on his knees and stares into the computer screen, desperate to take this all in.

“Back of the room, how come my friends already know you? I feel like a kid, too shy to speak up so I keep it hidden.” Liam takes a breath. “Oh butterflies, you steal… my sleep each night.” he strums harder, really getting into the song as he sings the chorus again. “I need the sun to break, you’ve woken up my heart I’m shaking, all my luck could change. Been in the dark for weeks and I’ve realized you’re all I need. I hope I’m not too late, I hope I’m not too late. Ooooh-ooh-ooooh, oh, oh.”

Liam repeats himself a few times, sings the chorus once more and eventually the song fades into quiet. 

Harry thinks it’s over but Liam smiles and leans closer to the microphone. “And I think we’ve got just another song to get out there before I start playing some older songs you all might already know. Right, so. Here it goes.” He laughs softly as he strums again. There’s another person playing guitar behind him but that’s the only instrumentals right now. 

”Once in a lifetime, it’s just right and we make no mistakes. Not even a landslide or riptide could take it all away… Somehow, it feels like nothing has changed. Right now, my heart is beating the same. Out loud, someone’s calling my name… It sounds like you…” Liam takes a deep breath before continuing. “When I close my eyes…. All the stars align…. And you are by my side…. You are by my side.” Liam smiles at the camera but Harry feels like it’s just for him, like Liam knows that Harry’s watching and listening and clinging on to every word that slips out of Liam’s mouth. 

The song ends too soon and Harry didn’t realize he’s been holding his breath the entire time until he has to suck in a deep breath and nearly chokes on it as he does so.

Liam looks behind him and smiles at the backing band. “Should we give ‘em one more?” Liam laughs, looking off frame. “My manager is behind the camera absolutely livid right now. Cheers, mate. I won’t play one from the album, relax a little.” Liam shifts the guitar in his lap and looks down at it. “Actually, this one’s not on any of my albums. I wrote it after having a really good catch up with someone in February and didn’t feel like it was a message I needed to send out to them.” Liam clears his throat. “Send out to _him_.” He corrects. “It’s a great song though, yeah?” He looks behind him at his band again, who all sort of laugh and nod. “Alright, cheers. We’ve got their approval.” Liam laughs and strums his guitar. “This song’s about spending late nights with someone you really get on with. Someone you love. It’s about that moment you think, I should head home and they say. ‘Stay.’ Liam closes his eyes and the memory comes back to Harry immediately, long before Liam even finishes the quote. The night before his birthday. ‘Stay til morning.’” Liam clears his throat and opens his eyes again. 

“Feels like this could be forever tonight, break these clocks and forget about time… There could World War 3 goin’ on outside.. You and me were raised in the same part of town, got these scars on the same ground. Remember how we used to kick around just wasting time?”

“Won’t you stay ‘til the AM? All my favorite conversations always made in the AM ‘cause we don’t know what we’re saying.. We’re just swimming around in our glasses and talking out of our asses, like we’re all gonna make it.. Yeah, yeah.”

Harry feels on edge like he wasn’t just asleep twenty minutes ago. He feels wired and alert and like his whole world was shifting around him and he was just sitting in the middle, listening to Liam sing for him. 

“Feels like this could be forever right now. Don’t wanna sleep ‘cause we’re dreaming out loud. Trying to behave but you know that we never learned how… You and me were raised in the same part of town, got these scars on the same ground. Remember how were used to kick around just wasting time?”

“Won’t you stay ‘til the AM? All my favorite conversations always made in the AM ‘cause we don’t know what we’re saying.. We’re just swimming around in our glasses and talking out of our asses, like we’re all gonna make it.. Yeah, yeah.” Liam sighs and shakes his head. “You know I’m always coming back to this place, oooh-oooh, you know. And I’ll say, oooh-oooh, you know I’m always gonna look for your face… ooh-oooh. You know.”

Harry nods even though Liam’s half a world away from him. 

“Won’t you stay ‘til the AM? All my favorite conversations always made in the AM ‘cause we don’t know what we’re saying.. We’re just swimming around in our glasses and talking out of our asses, like we’re all gonna make it..” 

“Won’t you stay ‘til the AM?” Liam’s back up band harmonizes.

“You know I’m always coming back to this place.” Liam adds.

“Won’t you stay ‘til the AM?” The band repeats.

 

“You know I’m always gonna look for your face.”

“Won’t you stay ‘til the AM?” Liam joins his band for the last line, dragging it out a little longer than they do.

***

“Mick, please stop sniffing everything, honestly. You know what plants smell like. Please.” Harry tugs on the dog’s leash a bit, sighing when it does little to get the dog to stop. He adjusts the strap of his bag on his shoulder and looks around. He had the car drop him off down the street so he could take a walk and gather himself for a moment but right now he’s wishing he didn’t have to drag two giant dogs around with him for this breather.

“Come on, pups. We have work to do.” Harry tugs the leash harder, finally getting the dogs to move along with them as they climbed a hill in some random neighborhood that Harry didn’t know. “Come on.” he repeated.

He’s halfway up the hill when he starts having second thoughts. He shouldn’t be here. He should go home. He should climb back in a car and drive far away from here and never show his face again and lock himself in his flat with his dogs and and and. Harry sucks in a breath and squeezes his eyes shut while he calms himself by taking calculated breaths while he walks. Harry frees one hand and wiggles his phone out of his back pocket then pauses and stares down at the phone, coming to a stop while walking. Mick starts to sniff at another plant while Loki just flops down onto the ground and rests his head on his paws. They’re tired, confused a little and Harry can relate. 

“We’re almost there.” He mumbles, staring down at his maps app. “Nearly.” Harry squats and sits down on the sidewalk with Loki, patting his giant head gently. They could all use a little break, he supposes, especially since walking the rest of the way isn’t turning out to be as calming as Harry hoped.

Harry opens his contacts and scrolls until he finds Liam’s number then pauses over it. It’s been a week since Harry heard Liam play his music on the live feed and all that Harry’s thought about is calling him. Just calling and talking to him and apologizing and asking him to come home but it’s not fair for him to always want that. It’s not fair that he’s been the one unwilling to work with Liam’s life now.

He presses call and raises the phone to his ear. It rings three times before Liam answers, out of breath and panting a bit. “Harry? Harry? Did you mean to call me, please don’t be an arse dial.”

Harry laughs, surprising the dogs and making them both turn towards him attentively. “It’s me, Liam. Live and well… on the phone.” Harry worries his lip and stares up at the sky, blue and cloudless. He’s not used to weather like that.

“God, Harry. It feels so good to hear you.” Harry can hear the smile in Liam’s voice, the happiness and for a moment his stomach has butterflies just from realizing that he’s the one causing it. “Say my name again.” Liam laughs softly.

“Liam.” Harry mumbles. “Liam, Liam, Liam.”

“I’ve never heard it sounds so sweet.”

Harry sighs slightly and closes his eyes, his grip on the phone tightening. “What are you doing, Li?”

“Just at home, er- at my house in LA.” Liam fumbles slightly before clearing his throat. “Making food but doing it pretty badly. Wish you were here to cook for me.”

“That’s all you want me for.”

“Not true. Wish you were here for a million reasons.” Liam sounds like he’s frowning and Harry hates it. Wants to reach through the phone some how and smooth it into a smile.

“Wish I was too. I, um, want to talk. About stuff.”

“Yeah? I’m- shit, fuck. Hold on.” Liam’s voice gets muffled and Harry thinks he must have sat the phone down for a moment. “Okay. Okay, I’m back. I’m so sorry that was terrible timing but I nearly knocked over the barbecue.” Liam clears his throat. “Anyway. I’m free to talk about anything, Haz. Any time. I’ve just been- you know.”

“Waiting on me to stop being a stubborn idiot that makes things harder for myself than they need to be?” Harry continues for him, a dry laugh punctuating the sentence.

“I wasn’t going to use those exact words… but yeah.” Liam laughs softly. “What are you doing right now?”

“On a walk with the pups but they’ve stopped to take a break.” Harry stands now, “It’s a beautiful day.” Harry tugs on the leash until the dogs get the hint and start walking again.

“Here too. Bright blue skies.”

“Not a cloud in sight.” Harry smiles, staring down as his feet as he walks. “Perfect for a barbecue. What all are you making?”

“Chicken.”

“Just chicken or are you trying to sound healthy?” Harry laughs softly.

“Just chicken! And sausages. Baked beans. Corn on the cob. Halloumi and chips. Fries. Whatever.”

“Fries. How American. I think you need to move back home permanently so we can re-up your british-ness.”

It falls quiet on the line and Harry’s about to ask if Liam’s still there when he finally speaks.

“If you really wanted me to move back home I would, Haz. You know that, right? I’d move where ever you wanted me to move. I don’t have to stay here. I can relocate. I just had to be here to get some work done. I-I-I can be wherever you want me.” His voice is serious and it takes Harry aback.

“No, Li. Come on. I’m.. sorry. I know you have to work in Los Angeles. I just got so used to you being home and being with me over that time period that the thought of you leaving was…” Harry sighs and squeezes the phone. “It felt just like when you first left and it scared me. I didn’t want to lose you again.” Harry laughs slightly and shakes his head. “So I pushed you away instead. Hurt them before they can hurt you. That’s all I could think about.”

“I didn’t realize..” Liam sighs. “Harry, I love you so much. I didn’t want to leave that’s why.. I asked, you know. Maybe that was stupid but I had to ask. I miss you.

 

“I miss you, Li. Every day since that night. Bed’s too cold without you. Dog’s don’t love me as much anymore.” Harry finishes climbing the hill and looks around at the view, smiling widely. “It wasn’t stupid, you idiot. I was stupid for not considering it.”

“You didn’t tell me you love me.” Liam laughs softly.

“I do, Li. I love you so much.” Harry looks around at his surroundings, summer’s nearly here and you can just tell in every part of the environment. Flowers are blooming, birds are genuinely singing and the air smells like a cook-out no matter where you are in the world.

“I thought I wasn’t gonna hear that again.”

“I’ll always find a way to remind you.” Harry breathes into the receiver, trying to catch his breath from the (not that steep) climb he just finished. “How much food are you cooking?”

“Too much, honestly. I think I might call some mates over just to come take some of it off me hands.”

“I’m so hungry.” Harry mumbles, pulling his phone away from his ear to look at his maps again just to see where he was. “Hey, Li?”

“Yeah?”

“I want to be with you. Really be with you. Not just for a few weeks of rekindling. I want to stop being the photographer fling that TMZ writes about.” Harry mumbles and looks down at his feet again. “I want everyone to know the truth about us. All of it. I want them to know I was your first boyfriend. Your only boyfriend.” Harry pauses for a moment. “I was your only boyfriend, right?”

Liam lets out a loud laugh and Harry can picture him clutching his stomach and leaning back. “Harry, I haven’t so much as looked at anyone else since we broke up. I couldn’t. Just made me think about how you were so much better.” 

Harry smiles slightly. “Yeah. Same here, babe.”

“Shit, someone’s buzzing at the gate. Hold on.”

Harry nods even though Liam can’t see him.

“I need a camera for this thing so I don’t have to do this,” Liam laughs. “Hold on.” Liam must press a button on his intercom because Harry can hear it buzz. “Who is it?”

Harry laughs softly. “It’s me.” He says in response. 

“Oh, shove off, Haz. I’m talking to the stupid intercom.”

“I know.” Harry mumbles, leaning forward to press the button on the buzzer attached to the front gate surrounding Liam’s LA home. “It’s me.” He says into the intercom.

It falls silent on the line and Harry can imagine the look of confusion Liam must have on his face.

“Holy shit.” The line goes dead and all Harry can hear is Liam shouting something from inside the house somewhere past the gates. 

The gate starts to open and Harry laughs as the dogs sniff at it. When Harry looks up from the dogs he sees Liam running towards him and it's enough to make Harry drop his weekender bag and run too. 

They meet somewhere in the middle, the dogs now free to roam around inside the gate so Harry drops the leash in favor of throwing his arms around Liam’s neck. 

“Fuck, Harry! What are you doing here! What? I felt like I was dreaming when you called but now I think I really might me.” 

Harry responds by pinching Liam’s sides and laughing when the other boy winces. “Guess I'm really here.”

“And the dogs! You brought the dogs to America?” Liam pulls back from their embrace and stares Harry in the face, a smile stretched completely across his cheeks. “Holy shit I can't believe this.”

“Of course I brought them to America. If we’re going to live here then I think they need to tag along.” Harry’s lips stretch into a smile that nearly matches Liam's. 

“Holy shit. I'm sorry that's all I'm saying I just..” Liam pulls Harry into a tight embrace, pressing kisses against the side of his head. “I can't like… fathom this happening. You’re staying?”

“Am I staying?” Harry laughs softly, eyes bouncing around Liam’s bright face. “Yeah.. Might as well.” Harry buries his face into Liam’s neck and breathes him in. He smells like barbecue smoke but Harry can still find the Liam-ness underneath it. In reality, Liam smells like home. He smells like grilling in their backyard while their dogs run around. He smells like the old leather chair they used to have, passed down to them from great grandparents on Liam’s side. He smells like Harry’s Liam. Probably because that’s exactly who he is. “I love you.” Harry whispers, closing his eyes.

“I love you so much more.” LIam gives Harry’s waist another squeeze and presses a kiss to the exposed skin near the collar of Harry’s shirt before pulling away with his eyebrows furrowed. “What about your stuff? Did you only bring that bag?” Liam sounds concerned.

“Calm down. I have some clothes and my camera and some food for the dogs. I’ll go buy some more later. Louis’ going to ship some more stuff.” Harry smiles slightly, resting his hand on Liam’s cheek. “Everything’s taken care of.” Harry presses a soft kiss to Liam’s lips. “I’m going to keep my flat and studio in London.” He smiles and nudges his nose against Liam’s. “So we have a place there, too.”

“Come on, are you hungry?”

“Starving. I never realized how long that flight actually was.” Harry laughs and moves back towards the now closed gate to pick up the only bag he brought with him.

***

“I still can’t believe you’re like..” Liam shakes his laugh, laughing slightly before waving his hand at Harry. “You’re bloody standing in my kitchen helping me with the washing up.”

Harry furrows his brows, pretending to be confused for a moment. “I always do the washing.” He says softly, grabbing another plate to dip in the water.

“You know what I mean, tosser.” Liam laughs and wraps his arms around Harry from behind, nuzzling his face into the crook of Harry’s neck. “I’ve wanted you here for so long, Haz. I don’t know why I never asked you when I first left. I should have. I think I was just worried you’d say no.” 

Harry can feel Liam’s lips twist into a smile against his skin as he angles his head in a way to give Liam more access. “I spent so much time when you left just… wishing you’d ask me to come and it never happened. Our schedules clashed, you were so busy.” Harry sighs softly as she scrubs at the dirty plate. “I never stopped wishing you’d ask, though. And then you come back into my life and you leave again. It was just so scary.” Shrugging, Harry rinses off the plate and sets it aside to dry before turning around in Liam’s arms to face him. “Even though you were asking me to come with you. I was scared.” Harry stretches a little and presses a gentle kiss on the top of Liam’s nose. “Then I just kinda realized I had to come. I needed to be here. I didn’t want to lose you again and I didn’t know when you’d be free to come back to London. I couldn’t risk waiting.”

“I’m glad you didn’t. I’m so, so glad you didn’t. I’ve wanted to show you this house for so long, come on. I’ll give you a tour.” Liam smirks slightly and grabs Harry’s hands to drag him out of the unnecessarily large kitchen. “Or, I’ll show you some highlights and you can explore by yourself later.”

“Quite the host, Liam Payne.” Harry laughs but follows anyway. It’s a beautiful home, perched in the hills of Southern California and surrounded by celebrities and millionaires alike. Harry thinks there’s three stories and a basement but that’s just from the minimum glances he made towards the house during dinner. Honestly even as Liam points out different rooms and hallways, Harry’s having a hard time focusing on anything except the fact that they’re together again. He’s nearly six thousand miles from home but he’s with Liam and that’s the only thing that’s ever really mattered to him. Liam leads him to the first staircase and Harry can’t help but whine a little as they start to climb.

“First I have to hike up a hill to get to your place and now I have to climb stairs? You live to torture me.” 

Liam laughs and kneels down a little. “Hop on, I’ll carry you up.” Harry obliges, climbing onto Liam’s back like they’re fifteen and running through the fields in Holmes Chapel. “Christ, you’re lanky.” 

Harry presses a kiss to the side of Liam’s face as he wraps his limbs around him, “You love me.”

“I love you.” Liam takes the stairs two at a time and carries Harry down a long hallway. “I, um.” The laugh that Liam lets out sounds nervous which makes Harry feel nervous suddenly. “Okay. So I bought this place shortly after we broke up.” Liam clears his throat. “So I probably shouldn’t have this room but…” Liam shrugs, making Harry giggle slightly as his body shifts along with Liam’s shoulders. “I always wanted to show it to you.” Liam twists the doorknob and pushes inside. He lets Harry climb off before talking again. “It’s uh-” He clears his throat again.

“A studio?” Harry looks around the room, it’s not as large as his back in London but it’s just as decked out with equipment. “This is a photography studio.” Harry crosses the room, dragging his fingers over everything he passes. “Liam..”

“Yeah. For you, you know. If you ever came, I wanted you to have a work space too.” LIam nods, shy suddenly as he watched Harry explore the room. The room that Liam put in his house five years ago and kept just on the off chance of Harry somehow stumbling back into his life.

“Liam…” Harry says again but that’s all he manages to get out. 

“I just wanted you to know, Haz, that your career has always been important to me, too. Just as important as mine.”

Harry nods, his lips pushed into a pout because he can’t help it. He can’t help but pout because he’s the one that ran away. He’s the one that ended it and never looked back all while Liam was trying to show that he cared.

“I’m so sorry, Liam. Fuck.” Harry crosses back to Liam, their lips colliding the moment he’s within reach. “I’m so sorry.” Harry mumbles when he pulls back from the kiss. Then he dives in for another, then another, each more feverish than the one before. His hands clutch at Liam’s t-shirt, tugging him closer even though it feels physically impossible. Harry just needs to be as close to Liam as possible. He’s desperate for it. “Bedroom.” He mumbles as he pulls away from Liam’s lips to trail kisses down his jaw and neck. “Please. Need you.”

Liam makes one swift motion and suddenly Harry’s legs are wrapped around his waist and they’re walking through the hallway with their lips never parting. It’s familiar and urgent and Harry can feel himself growing in his jeans just from the way Liam’s hands are squeezing their mark into his hips. Harry tilts his hips, catching Liam’s cock through their trousers and earning a small gasp as Liam presses him against a door and presses into him harder. 

“Bed, Liam. Bed.” Harry pants, leaning his head back to hit against the door as Liam ruts into him. It causes just enough friction between them for Liam to grunt before burying his face in Harry’s neck, sucking a mark against his skin.

Liam moves them again, pulling away from the door so he can wiggling the handle and push it open and after that it’s all stumbles and kissing while Liam tries to blindly lead them in the direction of his bed. He drops Harry on top of it and steps away for a moment, digging in his night stand and producing a condom and small bottle of lube.

“I thought you were celibate without me?” Harry teases, undoing his trousers and wiggling them down to his ankles before kicking them off onto the floor. 

“Harry Styles.” Liam starts, climbing across the bed to hover over Harry’s body. He ducks down and presses a deep kiss to Harry’s lips. “I haven’t fucked a soul.” He hums, nudging his nose against Harry’s. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t get myself off thinking about you.” 

“Fuck...” His words send a tremble down Harry’s spine, his hips rutting up and into Liam’s without his brain’s permission. He’s so gone for Liam. He’s always been so gone for him. “Need you, Liam. Now, now, now.”

“Yeah? How badly?” With a smirk, Liam forces his hand between them and cups Harry’s dick, rubbing until Harry’s wiggling beneath him. “That bad?”

Harry nods, breathless and unable to speak with how crowded his brain is with lust, with need and desire. He raises himself onto his elbows and kisses at Liam’s mouth, coercing Liam’s lips open with his tongue so he can get a proper taste. 

“Do you…” Harry takes in a sharp breath as Liam gives him a slight squeeze. “Remember the last time?” 

Liam nods and sits up to pull his shirt off and toss it onto the floor with Harry’s jeans. “I do, it was too long ago.” He unbuttons his jeans next and wiggles them down so he’s only left in his boxer-briefs before he moves to unbutton Harry’s shirt. Liam presses a kiss against Harry’s torso after every button he undoes. 

“I’m tired of waiting, Li.” Harry laughs softly and helps Liam get his top off. Harry pulls at the waistband of Liam’s pants, dipping his fingers in to brush against the head of Liam’s cock. It makes Liam twitch, which then makes Harry smirk. He still knows his way around Liam’s body. Liam hums softly as Harry laps his tongue against the skin of his chest, his hand sliding against Liam’s stomach a little before dipping all the way into the waistband of his boxers. Harry gives Liam a gentle tug, smirking against his chest. “Need to feel you.” 

Liam pulls back again, only to pull Harry’s pants off and give his cock a few strokes before popping the lip on the lube so he can slick his fingers up. “Ready?” Liam asks softly, one hand circling around Harry’s hole and the other pressed firmly against Harry’s abdomen to hold him still. 

Harry moans slightly, nodding. “Please, Li.”

Liam nods back and presses one finger in slowly, barely working it in to the second knuckle before giving Harry a moment to get used to the feeling.

“So gentle with me, Liam.” Harry coos, his voice thick and cracking.

Liam presses a kiss to Harry’s chest, his abdomen, then his thighs and sucks a spot there as he pushes his finger in further, twisting it as he slowly moves it in and out. He continues the motion for a few before adding another.

Harry moans and feels himself start to come apart, his hips rocking slightly as he tries to fuck himself down on Liam’s fingers. “More… please… I can-” He sucks in a deep breath, “I can handle it.”

Liam takes his time though, fucking his fingers into Harry for another minute before adding a third finger and watching Harry completely fall apart on his hands.

Harry spreads his legs further, rocking harder now and ignoring the slight sting as he stretches himself out on Liam’s fingers. “I’m ready, please, Liam. I’m ready.” Harry sucks in a sharp breath and rocks down so hard that Liam’s fingers nearly bottom out. “Fuck- so good.”

“Just a little bit more, Hazza.” Liam presses another kiss to Harry’s thighs, his tongue tracing along Harry’s skin there. Harry’s shaking underneath him, sensitive and needing more. Liam runs his tongue along the length of Harry’s cock, feeling it twitch in his mouth which just makes him harder- if that’s possible. Liam scissors his fingers in and out of Harry a few more times, using his other hand to roll the condom onto himself and slick up.

“Need it, need you, please.” Harry swallows thickly, lifting his hips off of the bed to thrust them down on Liam’s hand.

“Soon.” Liam whispers, smirking because he can tell Harry’s dangerously close just from riding his fingers. He pulls his fingers out only to replace them with the head of his cock pressing against Harry. He can’t wait anymore, not after seeing Harry look so fucked out underneath him. He pushes in slowly and lets Harry adjust to the size before going further. 

“ _Move_.” Harry comments, rolling his hips so much that Liam has to grip him to hold him still. 

Liam follows orders with a slight laugh, pushing in further so he bottoms out before pulling out and pumping again. Then again. Then again.

Harry leans his head back, moaning breathlessly each time Liam fills him up. “God, Liam.” He hums, his hands gripping at Liam’s shoulders. “Missed you, missed you so much.”

***

__  
**One Month Later**  


“Do we have everything?” Harry asks, glancing across the table at the spread they have set out. 

“I think so. If we forgot anything we’ll just grab it later, yeah?” Liam presses a kiss to Harry’s temple and moves through the dining room and into the kitchen to get drinks prepared.

“I’m just nervous, I guess.” Harry mumbles as he follows Liam into the other room. “It’s the first time they’ve been here. It’s the first time we’re all going to be together in so long.” He lets out a gentle sigh and closes his eyes, taking a moment to gather himself. 

Harry really shouldn’t be nervous. It’s just that Liam’s parents are in Los Angeles, and Harry’s mum and sister are in Los Angeles. And Niall, his wife and daughter. Louis, El, Freddie. They’re all in LA and showing up to the house at any moment now. It’s a lot to be happening and Harry can’t help it that he’s on edge a bit. 

Liam smiles and crosses back to Harry, rubbing his shoulders gently to loosen him up. “It’s gonna be perfect, Haz. The food’s going to be delicious and everyone’s going to be happy, yeah? Trust me on it. I wouldn’t lie to you.” Liam pulls Harry against his chest, holding him in a slight hug before pressing another kiss to the side of his face. “We just need to get the ice out, they’ll be here soon. I wonder who shows up first.”

“Five bucks says Louis is dead last, Freddie’s asleep and Eleanor looks like she’s ready to whack him in the head.” Harry lets out a gentle laugh, pulling out a few cups with lids for the kids to use without spilling anything. He’s had enough dinners with them to know that these are a necessity. 

“That sounds too true, come on. Let’s get the dogs outside before someone shows up.” Liam smiles and nods towards the sliding glass door that leads into their large back yard.

The dogs must hear them say the word outside from upstairs because suddenly they’re both running towards the door and barging outside the moment that Harry gets it open. 

“That was easy.” Harry laughs, followed by a slight sigh to release the last of his nerves. It’s going to be perfect. Tonight’s going to be amazing.

*

Liam stands at the end of the table and raises a glass while he locks eyes with Harry sitting across from him. “Um- well, Harry and I just really wanted to thank you guys for coming all this way. We both know that it’s pretty far from home but…” Liam shrugs slightly. “It means so much that we could all be here.”

The families sat around their long table raise their glasses too, cheersing before taking drinks and laughing together. 

Liam continues on after the drink. “There’s more, actually. Um. Heh.” Liam rubs the back of his neck before gesturing his hand towards Harry. “Haz, do you uh- wanna..”

Harry nods and stands, walking around the table to join Liam. He wraps his arms around his boyfriend’s waist and presses a kiss to his lips softly.

“I think what Liam’s trying to say is that we have a lot of news to tell you guys and that’s why tonight was so important to us.” Harry grips Liam’s hand, intertwining their fingers together. “We couldn’t stand to tell you guys this over the phone but uh,” Harry laughs softly, shaking his head and looking into Liam’s face rather than the impatient crowd around the table. “We’re engaged.”

Harry’s mum gasps, it’s the first sound to break into the silence and when he looks over at her she’s got one fumbling hand pressed to her mouth and the other clutching Karen’s hand. There’s tears in both of their eyes but Harry doesn’t know how to read it, exactly. The quiet’s making him nervous about their responses but then Geoff is standing up and opening his arms for both of them, followed by Anne and Karen in tow.

“FINALLY!” Niall cheers, laughing and jumping out of his seat to pull the boys into a double hug. “Bloody hell. I told you, Lou! That’s fifty pounds, mate!”

“Sod off, ‘m not payin’ ‘cause I never disagreed with you, you idiot.” Louis stands too, shaking his head as he pulls Liam into a hug first, then Harry. He presses a kiss to Harry’s forehead and just smiles at him, shaking his head with another soft laugh. “I’ll be the best man, I assume.” 

Louis nudges Niall who nudges back. “I’ll be Liam’s best man.”

Harry wraps himself around Liam again, his head resting on his shoulder, and welcomes the praise and cheers from their family wash over them. The family that Harry didn’t realize he’s had all along. The family he hopes to extend one day soon.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading. thank you for allowing me to bring this to life. 
> 
> find me on tumblr // [harrys-grammy](http://harrys-grammy.tumblr.com)


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